Green Bananas

I thought I’d hear from her more.

I just always assumed she’d speak to me through dreams or little whispers here and there, but it hasn’t been like that at all. 

I’ve only had one recent dream of her. In it she said something that didn’t make sense that I can’t even recall. It was something about pennies. Something so random that I’ve given up trying to remember exactly what it was or what it meant.

The warm soft touch of her hand was so real that it woke me and just like that (I snap my fingers) the moment I’d been waiting for was gone. 

I tried to go back to sleep, but the more effort I put in the more awake I became.  No matter how hard I tried to slip away I was awake grieving her again. 

 

It’s been one year since my grandmother passed away. Her death hit me hard. Much harder than I anticipated. Surrounding events and family drama made it very difficult to grieve her death in peace. 

It’s still hard. 

I feel so silly still crying at the drop of hat when her memory comes to mind. Childish almost, but I can’t help it. 

 

“She’s finally with Jesus now.”, I tell myself. Finally free of pain and, I would imagine, extreme boredom from sitting in a nursing home for three years, but it doesn’t make me miss her any less. 

 I still selfishly wish I could pull her from the feet of Jesus and hug her one more time. Just once. 

 

Everything’s different after you lose someone you love. 

Life seems to take on a before and after with only the day they passed separating the two segments on your timeline. 

 

I’ve passed a thousand green banana bunches since she passed away. Each time I have to remind myself she’s not down the road to accept my delivery. 

I always picked them up for her whenever I found some. Just a little something that let her know I was thinking about her. 

It seems like green bananas are much easier to come by now that she doesn’t request them. 

I always thought it was funny that she insisted they be green. Bitter almost, but then she’d let them sit for days before eating them. They were always bruised by the time she got to them, so why did they need to be green to begin with?

One of the many questions I never asked her. 

 

Growing up we always joked about grandma. She had a bad reputation for going on and on (and on and on) about herself. 

You never wanted to ask her how she was doing unless you were fully prepared to get the most recent (and very detailed and lengthy) run down of her medical care, medication list, recent side effects, diet, and updates on each nurse she’d had in the past week. 

It was exhausting sometimes listening to her go on about her cough, or diabetes, or breakfast, or swollen arm, but I’d give anything to hear her update today. 

 

It’s funny. For someone who had a bad rep for talking about themselves all the time, she never really talked about herself at all. 

Sure she rambled about the daily nonsense, but she never really shared anything substantial. 

I never asked her. 

 

She never talked about her parents or childhood memories. 

She never talked about her friends of past and present. 

She never talked about her life, her hopes, her dreams. 

She just always talked about the same things. My whole life. Now that she’s gone, I wonder what more she would have said had I just asked. 

 

What was her favorite novel?

Most embarrassing moment?

Biggest fear?

I’ve played out this interview that will never happen in my mind a thousand times. 

 

Remember when she read the entire Twilight series in a few days? What a trip! She was 86 then. She was so hooked she even got the fifth book. The short one about the younger vampire. She wasn’t a fan of that one. 

 “Scary!”, she said of the novella. 

 

I wish I had more recipes written in her hand. 

I wish I had more of her belongings. 

I wish I had more time. 

grandma


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Adrienne is a Florida homeschooling mom of two boys, follower of Jesus, and lover of words. She's an imperfect parent surviving on God's grace and mercy, lots of yoga, and regular doses of salty ocean air! Find her as @TheMommyMess on Twitter and connect with her on Facebook.

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Comments

  1. says

    I almost feel like I could have written that post….my grandma passed away in November, and I feel so silly for how much I am still grieving her! People always tell me how I should be happy to have had her in my life until I was 42 – and I am! But, that also means I had her in my life for 42 years…that’s a long time to get so used to having someone around. I knew she wouldn’t live forever, but for some reason, you just never really believe in your heart your grandma will ever be gone. I cry when I think of her, I cry as I write this about her. And I know I shouldn’t be taking it so hard – but I just can’t seem to help it.

    Same as you, I wait for some hint or a sign from her. Something I can know for sure is her. I dream about her almost nightly, but it is never really “her”.

    Thanks for your wonderful post – it is comforting to know that I am not crazy in missing my grandma so much:)
    Marie Pugh recently posted..Mother’s Day Contest Winners!My Profile

    • says

      I’m sorry for your loss too. Grandma are something special and not being able to hug them whenever we want just isn’t fair. I knew she was going to pass, but deep down I didn’t really ever believe it would happen. I’m happy you get to have those dreams. Be thankful for them. I know it’s not the same, but it’s something. your comment comforted me as well! Thank you.

  2. says

    I am very sorry for your loss. I could relate to so much of this as my mom died in January. I am shocked by what brings me to tears sometimes. Not that grieving is easy but it seems that is has gotten harder and more concrete over the last few weeks. She sounds like a special lady & I love that she read Twilight books in such a short time.
    Robbie recently posted..Just WriteMy Profile

    • says

      Some days I can think about her and keep it together. Most days I’m left blubbering like a baby. I feel so dumb sometimes still crying, but it hurts just like it did the day she passed.

  3. says

    Reading this made me think of my nanna she will be 93 on Saturday and I feel that there is never enough time with her, when we are young we often feel we will have an endless amount of time but that isn’t always the way it is. Now that she is old and frail, and bedridden unable to communicate I miss her so much which is why mum and I go and visit her at the nursing home every week although she doesn’t have a life she is just existing from day to day but I don’t like to think of what it would be like when she passes away
    Jo-Anne recently posted..Dear SandyMy Profile

  4. says

    Oh Adrienne. I’m so sorry for your loss. Everything does change when you lose a loved one. It amazes me what will trigger a memory of someone who has passed. I kind of take those moments as signs that they are still present in my life. This is a beautiful post and tribute to your grandmother.
    Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Calavera Loves BoobiesMy Profile

    • says

      Thanks, Christine. It’s been much harder than I ever thought it would be. Even though I knew in my head she’d be leaving this earth sooner or later, I just didn’t believe it in my heart.

  5. says

    Oh honey! This was beautiful… and I am so sorry you are still hurting so for her. Just think- you can ask her ALL those questions and have eternity to listen to her answer them when God calls you home.

    Until- stay strong and trust that she is exactly where she belongs.
    Chris Carter recently posted..When It’s More Than The Baby BluesMy Profile

    • says

      I know she’s where she should be and that she’s finally free of so much pain and suffering. I know it’s selfish to wish her back on this earth even for just a moment. But, I can’t help it. I hope I can bring my list of questions to eternity! ;)

  6. says

    Oh thank you. This is lovely. I am grieving the loss of a dear friend and a brother – am thinking I might be brave and post about that today. Your post helped me know it’s ok to write about it. Thank you. This was a blessing.
    Dana @momsieblog recently posted..Monday and Pain.My Profile

  7. says

    So poignantly written, and I feel a lot of it too. My grandma died shortly after Roo was born this year and she had suffered being confined to a bed for many years. The part about her talking about herself but not really either? So true. Thank you for reminding me to redeem whatever time I have with loved ones.
    Jin Ai recently posted..Roo: 5 monthsMy Profile