I was going to tell you about some of things I was up to last week when I wasn’t here.
There are a few post ideas in my draft folder about being present and taking time away from this online world, but those posts wouldn’t be the whole truth.
The truth is?
When I’m not blogging, I’m usually feeling depressed.
I hate typing that word.
It’s not something I’ve written about much because I don’t feel like I have all the answers. I hate labels and who knows if I’m really suffering from depression or if I’m just in need of a good break?
Or a good therapist?
Or maybe my priorities are out of whack and I need to make some changes to find more balance?
My recent therapist says it PPMD.
Call it whatever you want. Whatever it is, it sucks and it feels horrible.
I didn’t think the crash was going to come this month because I felt pretty good up until it hit, but then it did, and then BAM! Life was hard.
When I’m feeling like I felt last week everything seems like an insurmountable task.
Even a blog post.
Some days leave me feeling physically ill.
Maybe it’s the flu?
Even though I know it’s not.
My head fills up with lies I believe and anxiety I can’t shake.
Self-doubt and worry creep their way into my mind and freeze my fingers from typing the words that I know would bring me freedom to share.
Isolation grows between me and everyone I know. Even you.
When I’m in the thick of it, I know in my head that it will pass, but the clearing seems so far away.
Guilt sets in because oh. my. goodness. people have much bigger problems and I should stop whining and focusing on myself all the time. I get so tired of me that I feel even worse for feeling bad.
Then I wallow in my own self-pity for at least another 24 hours.
I’m a firm believer in taking time away from your blog whenever the heck you feel like it and last week was just one of those times for me.
When my thoughts are jumbled and the words I write don’t sound like my own voice, I know it’s time to step away from the keyboard.
Most of the things I write when I’m feeling like I did last week shouldn’t be shared anyway. At least not without the keen proofreading eyes of someone who isn’t trying to climb her way out of a pit of PPMD.
In the midst of a bad week, Lent arrived.
Should I pack 40 bags in 40 days?
Quit biting my nails, eating brownies, or drinking coffee?
Before I knew it I was obsessing over potential choices of restraint so much that it was taking my eyes off of what really mattered.
I have a problem with programs. I just don’t like to follow them.
I didn’t vow to do stop doing anything for Lent, but I did decide to start spending more time in God’s Word getting to know Jesus better.
Even though I felt like crap I managed to force my way into scripture and find my out of the fog.
My heart was steeped in truth while I waited.
I began reminding myself that God’s promises are for me and his plans are good!
I spent time in His Word.
I spent time in prayer.
I spent time making the same mistakes I always make, but instead of feeling defeated I found strength in knowing God loves me anyway.
His grace and mercies are new every morning!
When I meditate on God’s truth, slowly and painfully, the lies began to slip away.
Last week was slow and heavy.
Today I can breathe.
I missed you, sweet friends.
Scripture that helps me:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105:4
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
Bible Studies I’m Reading:
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