The Truth About When I’m Not Blogging.

I was going to tell you about some of things I was up to last week when I wasn’t here.

There are a few post ideas in my draft folder about being present and taking time away from this online world, but those posts wouldn’t be the whole truth. 

The truth is?

When I’m not blogging, I’m usually feeling depressed.

 

I hate typing that word.

It’s not something I’ve written about much because I don’t feel like I have all the answers. I hate labels and who knows if I’m really suffering from depression or if I’m just in need of a good break?

Or a good therapist?

Or maybe my priorities are out of whack and I need to make some changes to find more balance?

 

My recent therapist says it PPMD. 

 

Call it whatever you want. Whatever it is, it sucks and it feels horrible. 

 

I didn’t think the crash was going to come this month because I felt pretty good up until it hit, but then it did, and then BAM! Life was hard. 

 

When I’m feeling like I felt last week everything seems like an insurmountable task.

Even a blog post. 

Some days leave me feeling physically ill. 

Maybe it’s the flu?

Even though I know it’s not. 

My head fills up with lies I believe and anxiety I can’t shake. 

 

Self-doubt and worry creep their way into my mind and freeze my fingers from typing the words that I know would bring me freedom to share.

Isolation grows between me and everyone I know. Even you. 

 

When I’m in the thick of it, I know in my head that it will pass, but the clearing seems so far away. 

 

Guilt sets in because oh. my. goodness. people have much bigger problems and I should stop whining and focusing on myself all the time. I get so tired of me that I feel even worse for feeling bad. 

Then I wallow in my own self-pity for at least another 24 hours. 

 

I’m a firm believer in taking time away from your blog whenever the heck you feel like it and last week was just one of those times for me. 

When my thoughts are jumbled and the words I write don’t sound like my own voice, I know it’s time to step away from the keyboard. 

Most of the things I write when I’m feeling like I did last week shouldn’t be shared anyway. At least not without the keen proofreading eyes of someone who isn’t trying to climb her way out of a pit of PPMD.

 

In the midst of a bad week, Lent arrived. 

Oh, Lent.

Should I pack 40 bags in 40 days?

Fast Facebook?

Quit biting my nails, eating brownies, or drinking coffee?

Before I knew it I was obsessing over potential choices of restraint so much that it was taking my eyes off of what really mattered. 

 

I have a problem with programs. I just don’t like to follow them.

 

I didn’t vow to do stop doing anything for Lent, but I did decide to start spending more time in God’s Word getting to know Jesus better. 

 

Even though I felt like crap I managed to force my way into scripture and find my out of the fog.

 

My heart was steeped in truth while I waited. 

 

I began reminding myself that God’s promises are for me and his plans are good!

I spent time in His Word. 

I spent time in prayer. 

After that?

I spent time making the same mistakes I always make, but instead of feeling defeated I found strength in knowing God loves me anyway. 

His grace and mercies are new every morning!

 

When I meditate on God’s truth, slowly and painfully, the lies began to slip away. 

 

Last week was slow and heavy. 

 

Today I can breathe. 

 

I missed you, sweet friends. 

XO

 

 ::

 Scripture that helps me:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

 Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105:4

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Bible Studies I’m Reading:

Preparing My Heart for Easter: A Woman’s Journey to the Cross and Beyond 

Gideon: Your weakness. God’s strength.

 

*Those are affiliate links. Using them helps support this blog. 

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Adrienne is a Florida homeschooling mom of two boys, follower of Jesus, and lover of words. She's an imperfect parent surviving on God's grace and mercy, lots of yoga, and regular doses of salty ocean air! Find her as @TheMommyMess on Twitter and connect with her on Facebook.

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Comments

  1. says

    I seriously could have written so much of this post. When you see me quiet on my blog, nine times out of ten it is because I’m battling depression. It is hard to do anything when I’m in that place – especially writing.

    I’m so glad you are focusing on more time with Jesus for Lent. And that you are breathing. Those are two very important things. I’m doing something similar this year. Programs, timelines, and schedules are hard. I’m all about not making my life more hard than it needs to be.

    Also – I love the subtle redesign you have going on. It looks clean and bright. And the picture of you in the sidebar is gorgeous!
    Tracie recently posted..How To Be Friendly And Stop Annoying People On Google+My Profile

    • says

      I chuckled when I read your comment. I love your humor. Yes, Jesus and breathing. Two very important things. ;) And thanks! I’m feeling a need to purge. It started with my closet and donation bags and made it all the way to the blog design. Go figure. Things are still out of place but it’s getting there.

  2. says

    I hope you feel better – I went through that but mostly because of the relationship I was in at the time not my son. It takes time and it’s important to take it one day at a time, don’t pressure yourself to do too much and make small tasks you can accomplish. It gets better and as long as you have faith, it will :) Have a great one and hope you feel better sooner than later Adrienne! -Iva
    AwesomelyOZ recently posted..The Good and the BadMy Profile

  3. says

    I missed you last week! Thank you so much for sharing YOU. It takes a brave person to be out there with what is really going on in our lives. It helps others too, in knowing they are not alone, and in putting a stop to believing the lies that everyone else has a better life than we do. To both you and Tracie, it is hard when you’re in the midst of raising kids, whether homeschooling or all the other things involved. For me, it got easier the older I got. I came to know myself better and didn’t care as much (not much at all) what others think of me.
    Sorry, I wrote another book instead of a comment. xoxo
    Laurie recently posted..I Love to TravelMy Profile

    • says

      I love your comments! You know that! Write a novel of a comment any day here. I agree it’s hard to see when you’re in the midst of the chaos. Some of the insecurities I thought I had long since let go of have found their way back. Or they were never really gone. ;) Thanks for reading!

  4. says

    I felt your words right here at home. Some days I feel I can accomplish anything and some days there are just no words, just flatness.

    Thank you for sharing those beautiful promises in Scripture. I read them, breathed them in. This season of Lent came at the right time for me too. Jesus always brings the comfort and perspective I need. Sending you prayers and hugs!
    Jin Ai recently posted..RooMy Profile

    • says

      Thanks, girl! I was so happy I ordered an Easter Bible study ahead of time. It’s been great having that direction for Lent. It’s overwhelming to see all the different ways people observe online. Albeit, inspiring, it can be overwhelming. the timing of some of the scriptures I’m coming across in my quiet time has been sweet honey for the soul.

  5. says

    I haven’t written anything this week. A few weeks ago, I managed to churn out loads of posts, scheduled them ahead for 3 weeks or so, and truthfully, that meant I hadn’t actually written for nearly a month. I was on my blog, but I wasn’t. I’m still not really.

    I’m not depressed, though I have my own set of …. distractions. But mostly, I just don’t want to blog. Write, read, comment, or anything. Sigh.

    Sending you love and light. xo
    Alison recently posted..#AskAwayFriday: Yoga, Baking and PhotographyMy Profile

  6. says

    Jeremiah 29:11 keeps coming up in my life over the last week or so…glad to see it surface in yours too, and thanks for sharing it with us. Sometimes we think only about God’s plans for our kids. But it feels so good to remind ourselves that He has plans for US too!! And it’s plans for hope and a future – He’s so faithful to carry us out of “down” time. But the down times are good for us if we respond by looking to Him.

    • says

      So true, Becky! Whenever I stop and meditate on the truths of scripture everything the enemy wants me to believe falls away. God is good! ;)

    • says

      Thank you so much, Kathy! That really means a lot. God is bringing me through those dark days more than I’ve had the time to to write about. He is so good to me!

  7. says

    I just found your blog and I so appreciate this entry. Thank you for “keeping it real” for all of us who need to see that others are real and flawed, but mostly that we are all in need of Him and His word. Thank you for reminding us all that the Lord will be all that we need. Blessings this season as we look toward Christ’s resurrection.