Trusting God When I Don’t Understand.

The last few months have been a long road for me. They’ve left me drained, empty, and heartbroken.

I’ve struggled to find the wisdom in knowing when to share these pieces of me I’ve been holding onto. When I do feel like writing, I can’t find the words, so I give up and share a smoothie recipe instead.

The truth is, I have a broken heart.

My heart was left broken after the loss of my grandmother. Even though I know she’s finally home with Jesus, I’m sad I can no longer hug her, hold her hand, or laugh with her. I cry at the mention of her name and have yet to talk about her without breaking down. She was like a mother to me and a piece of my heart is missing without her.

I’m still grieving my grandma, but people say it takes time. So I wait.

Shortly after her passing, I severed ties with my parents. Those details are too much for this space, but it’s simply a relationship that is no longer healthy for me at this stage in my life. I didn’t call my dad on Father’s Day, I didn’t celebrate my mother’s 60th birthday with her, and I dread the upcoming holiday season of avoidance. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who doesn’t speak to her own parents, but I am. I’m not proud of that, but I don’t understand what God wants me to do.

In many ways, I’m grieving them. People say it takes time. So I wait.

Then, I lost a friend. Not just any friend, but a sister. It was the kind of friendship that I thought would stand the test of time, but it may never be the same. Life happens, things change, and I have to trust that God knows my heart and will help that relationship mend and grow again. He tells us in his Word that there is a season for everything and this friendship has blessed me with many seasons of cherished memories, good times, and years of laughter, but now it’s a different season, and I’m sad.

I grieve her friendship. From what I’m told it takes time. So I wait.

In the midst of heartache I’ve gone my own way, ignored God, and removed myself from the connections I still have. I’ve closed myself off because that’s easier. When you’re in the pit, it’s difficult to find your way out alone, but I know that’s where the enemy of our souls wants to keep us. Alone. Isolated from the ones who can lift us up.

My heart is heavy but my God is big.

Trusting God when I don’t understand has been a huge challenge for me. I’ve sinned in my isolation. I’ve ignored his tug on my heart over and over, and I’ve been left empty without Him. The beautiful thing is, He never left me.

He’s grieving me. It takes time, so He waits.

psalm3418

Are you in the pit? Take heart, dear one. You are not alone. God is with you and he is all powerful! His timing is perfect even when we can’t see his plan. Trusting God when I don’t understand is a tough road to travel, but thank God we don’t have to travel alone!

pouryourheart1

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Adrienne is a Florida homeschooling mom of two boys, follower of Jesus, and lover of words. She's an imperfect parent surviving on God's grace and mercy, lots of yoga, and regular doses of salty ocean air! Find her as @TheMommyMess on Twitter and connect with her on Facebook.

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Comments

  1. says

    hi my friend.
    I normally read you but never comment. Something just touched me today and I needed to leave you a few words.

    I have lost many things this year too, friendships, relationships, and it hurts. It does. And the waiting hurts too. So I wanted to tell you that I’m here and praying for you and your heart (even as I sit and wait for mine to heal).

    what you wrote about writing and not knowing where to start or how to pour it out, I get that. It’s been like that for me for a long while now, I’m really hoping that the dam bursts soon (for both of us)

    sending love and comfort. XO
    Kir recently posted..Half of My Heart (Pour Your Heart Out)My Profile

    • says

      Hi friend! I’m so happy to see you. Your comment made me cry this morning. I’m sorry that you can relate so well. It’s hard when relationships change when we’re not ready. I hope you begin to find your words too. God knows, you guys don’t want another smoothie recipe! ;)

  2. says

    Adrienne, I am so very sorry for the losses and sadness you’ve experienced lately. I remember feeling the same way when my grandma died. The overwhelming sadness about not being able to touch her or see her or hear her voice ever again. It was the first time death had ever effected me that way. I don’t have any words of advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I can certainly understand how the loss makes you feel.
    Shana Norris recently posted..Monday Listicles :: 10 Things I’m Looking Forward ToMy Profile

    • says

      Thanks, Shana. I have never experienced a loss like my grandmother before. I guess it’s just age. She’s the first one I’ve ever had to grieve and I miss her. It means more than you know just knowing you understand. Thank you for commenting! <3

  3. says

    Oh Adrienne… this is just beautiful. I feel your grief. I know about seasons of “disconnection”. I am also familiar with God’s pruning our lives- yanking people out of them, as painful as it is, for the sake of our health and our faith and our growth. It seems this is the messy transition to a more fruitful and beautiful you- a building block to a stronger ground where faith is built.
    When we are in the pit, it’s always when God works His Wonders. Allow your heart to be ministered to, my friend. There is a mighty work going on in you. When you get to “the other side- (in time, so you wait)” You will be able to reflect on this painful season and see His Masterful Plan in Place.
    Chris Carter recently posted..Devotional Diary: TrustMy Profile

    • says

      Thank you, Chris. You are so sweet to me! And you’re absolutely right. There’s a time when he has to prune our lives, even when it hurts. I know His promises are real and I’m hanging on! It is increasing my faith and what more can I ask for on this journey?

  4. says

    Oh Adrienne, what an honest post. I understand so many of these feelings, even if through different circumstances. But I do remember how badly it hurt when my grandma died, I have lost friendships that I thought were forever, and I can imagine the pain of cutting ties with your parents. I am glad you are reaching out to your faith. I think that in times like these, there is little else that can comfort us. xoxo
    Alexa (Kat Biggie) recently posted..Keeping My Head Above Water… barelyMy Profile

    • says

      Thanks, Alexa! That means so much. I don’t understand everything God is bringing me through right now but His ways are not mine. I want to come through these last few months praising Him and walking in his promises. You all have offered me so much comfort just by reading and commenting. Thank you!
      Adrienne recently posted..Our Journey Through AfricaMy Profile

    • says

      It’s hard to trust Him when we don’t understand his timing or plan, but it’s also the only thing that gives me hope. I know that He will use all of this for my good!

  5. says

    I’ve been in a similar place before and it takes time and patience and the ability to start finding joy in things again. Hugs.
    Julia recently posted..RockerMy Profile

    • says

      It’s funny you mentioned finding joy again. In the midst of all of the loss, I have SO much to be rejoice over! I have a “Joy List” in my drafts folder as we speak! Ironic I know, but praising Him in the storm is what’s best and I’m so thankful for all He has given me. Yes, these things hurt, but only He can heal me.

  6. says

    First of all, I want to tell you I am sorry. I’ve been a lousy friend and it tears me up that you have been in this much pain and I didn’t know. I should have known. Second, you are not alone in that pit. This year has been brutal when it comes to friends. It’s been a lonely year. A year that has been void of trust. I’m glad that you shared this here. I am going to pray my friend and please, lean on your internet family who loves you. I am only an email away. XO
    AnnMarie recently posted..5 Things I’d Do if Money Were No ObjectMy Profile

    • says

      No you’re not!! How could you know if I don’t tell you!? Growth hurts. I know that’s what it is in the ling run. I keep thinking about a verse that says “Those who sow with tears
      will reap with songs of joy” (Psalm 126:5). That’s what I want to be able to do. Remember God’s promises and tell others that it’s OK to hurt. Just remain faithful b/c our God is good! I’m sorry that you can relate to some of the same losses. Praying with you my sweet friend!

    • says

      I’m coming out is, Meredith! Finally feeling like I can breathe. I think I have a journey ahead, but I’m on my way. That’s what matters!

  7. says

    I have a lump in my throat and my heart feels for you today. This is beautiful, honest and raw. When I lost my grandma a couple years ago it was one of the most difficult and powerful experiences I have ever had. And I trust that you know what is healthy for you right now, and sometimes it is okay to step back from relationships that aren’t healthy or at least aren’t helping.

    This song might be nice for you to hear right now. It’s one of my favorites, and when ever I heart it I feel God’s love through the words. It’s by Kendall Payne and it’s called I Will Show You Love.


    Stevie recently posted..TimeMy Profile

  8. says

    The waiting for the pain of grieving to easy is not always easy, but waiting is often all we can do it all takes time so wait you must. Trusting God is something so many people find hard to do, not me but many, it is good that you are one of those who can trust God…………………..I am sorry things are not right between you and your parents but it is what it is and none of my business, as to way things are not right so I will not ask I will just say if it is how things need to be right now they it is what it is…………

  9. says

    Wow, Adrienne, as I read your post tears welled up in my eyes. I lost my grandmother 19 years ago & just dreamed of her last night. I miss her like crazy (even after all this time)! I’ve also gone through the pain of losing close relationships. It’s so hard & it does take time (sometimes a very long time) to get past the pain. Thank you for such an honest, heartfelt post. Praying for you this morning!

  10. says

    Oh my goodness, so very much going on for you. I’m sorry you have had such a hard year, and have had so many tough decisions to make. It’s an emotional process to mourn the loss of any relationship, and when you add in different losses of more than one, I can’t even imagine. Sending you wishes of strength my friend. xo.
    Ashley recently posted..Facing down the pressureMy Profile

    • says

      There have been many blessings too, Ashley! Many! But, these not so fun things have taken their toll on me. Praying and waiting for God to give me peace. Thank you for your kind words.

  11. says

    Adrienne – What a great, honest post. I can so relate as I’ve been there so many times. But God is so good and so FAITHFUL. God has used Lamentations 3:19-24 to encourage me so much – and I hope it encourages you as well! Prayed for you today!
    (so glad to have found you via “Pour Your Heart Out” – I’m homeschooling 2 boys as well! And now have a 1 year old girl ;)
    Kristy @ fried|kristy recently posted..PYHO: How Many?My Profile

    • says

      Yes, He is! I know He brings us through times like these so we will lean more on Him. I can be honest and say that I need more of Him. Thank God He finds us in the pit! I’m so happy to meet you and glad you stopped by! LOVE LOVE LOVE meeting fellow homeschooling moms!

    • says

      This too shall pass. I know that. I felt good just writing it. All of you have left me so many encouraging words. The year has had it’s rough patches, but there are so many things to be thankful for too!

  12. says

    Oh Adrienne! I’m so sorry. I want to just hop in the car or on a plane, show up at your doorstep, and give you a hug. I see a lot of wisdom in your admission that you’re grieving. In my own grief I’ve learned that it never gets “better.” It just gets different. My mom passed away over six years ago and there are still days that I can’t speak her name or think about her without the tears flowing. I want you to know that you’re not alone. Your God is BIG and HE IS THERE. XO
    NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner recently posted..{From The Heart} Owning My Family HistoryMy Profile

  13. says

    I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. My children just lost their grandmother on their father’s side. They too are grieving hard. God loves you and understands you. He listens to your heart and knows everything in it. All you need to do is whisper His name and He is there. He’ll walk with you, or carry you. Whatever you need. God has you on a path right now and all you need to do is trust in Him to guide you. Ask for His guidance. Be patient. Grief takes time. Have a blessed day. Followed you from SITS.
    Vicki M. Taylor recently posted..Five Minute Friday – TrueMy Profile

  14. says

    I lost 4 family members in the span of less than a year including my mother and grandmother I knew exactly how you feel. It’s been over 5 years but the pain is still there although numb just a bit. I try to fill my time with things they would be proud of it keeps me going. Stopping over from SITS
    Kita recently posted..It’s FallMy Profile