The last few months have been a long road for me. They’ve left me drained, empty, and heartbroken.
I’ve struggled to find the wisdom in knowing when to share these pieces of me I’ve been holding onto. When I do feel like writing, I can’t find the words, so I give up and share a smoothie recipe instead.
The truth is, I have a broken heart.
My heart was left broken after the loss of my grandmother. Even though I know she’s finally home with Jesus, I’m sad I can no longer hug her, hold her hand, or laugh with her. I cry at the mention of her name and have yet to talk about her without breaking down. She was like a mother to me and a piece of my heart is missing without her.
I’m still grieving my grandma, but people say it takes time. So I wait.
Shortly after her passing, I severed ties with my parents. Those details are too much for this space, but it’s simply a relationship that is no longer healthy for me at this stage in my life. I didn’t call my dad on Father’s Day, I didn’t celebrate my mother’s 60th birthday with her, and I dread the upcoming holiday season of avoidance. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who doesn’t speak to her own parents, but I am. I’m not proud of that, but I don’t understand what God wants me to do.
In many ways, I’m grieving them. People say it takes time. So I wait.
Then, I lost a friend. Not just any friend, but a sister. It was the kind of friendship that I thought would stand the test of time, but it may never be the same. Life happens, things change, and I have to trust that God knows my heart and will help that relationship mend and grow again. He tells us in his Word that there is a season for everything and this friendship has blessed me with many seasons of cherished memories, good times, and years of laughter, but now it’s a different season, and I’m sad.
I grieve her friendship. From what I’m told it takes time. So I wait.
In the midst of heartache I’ve gone my own way, ignored God, and removed myself from the connections I still have. I’ve closed myself off because that’s easier. When you’re in the pit, it’s difficult to find your way out alone, but I know that’s where the enemy of our souls wants to keep us. Alone. Isolated from the ones who can lift us up.
My heart is heavy but my God is big.
Trusting God when I don’t understand has been a huge challenge for me. I’ve sinned in my isolation. I’ve ignored his tug on my heart over and over, and I’ve been left empty without Him. The beautiful thing is, He never left me.
He’s grieving me. It takes time, so He waits.
Are you in the pit? Take heart, dear one. You are not alone. God is with you and he is all powerful! His timing is perfect even when we can’t see his plan. Trusting God when I don’t understand is a tough road to travel, but thank God we don’t have to travel alone!