You’ll still be wiping butts long after your kids can do it themselves. Once they learn to potty on their own, they really can’t reach back there, so you keep wiping butts. Then, when they can reach back there, they do a terrible job, so you keep wiping butts. Once they do decent job, you’d still rather just do it yourself, because you know they aren’t going to get everything, so you keep wiping butts. I really can’t pinpoint when the butt wiping stops, but I can tell you that my oldest is 14 and I haven’t wiped his butt in a really long time.
2. Have a lot of sex now!
Have as much sex as you possibly can before you have kids, because once you have kids you won’t ever have sex again. Ever.
3. Your kids won’t really like you.
You will always be the bad guy. Your husband will be more fun and your kids will like him better. Your children will whine and complain in your presence all day, and then when your husband gets home from work they will become the happiest children on earth. It will annoy you, and sometimes make you cry.
4. Motherhood turns you into a big fat liar.
You will lie about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Once you tell one lie, you realize how easy it is, and then you will pretty much lie about anything if it makes your life easier and gets your kids off your back.
5. Don’t judge other moms for what they feed their kids.
Because at some low point in your parenting journey, you will let your kids eat Ramen noodles for breakfast, Oreos for lunch, and then drive them through McDonald’s for dinner. It will happen!
6. You will end up crying to your doctor about your kids.
At some lower point in your journey of motherhood you will fill a prescription for Xanax to cope with all of the people that call your name over and over and demand stuff of you all day long.
7. You will resort to hiding from your children.
Sometimes you will want to hide from your kids, and you will. You’ll come up with creative ways to be alone, like going to
the nail salon the laundormat, or you’ll lie about having a stomach ache, because you’re a liar now. Then, you’ll hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes so you check your email without interruption. If you’re kids haven’t reached an age where they let you poop in private, they will. I promise. And yes, when they do reach that age, you will still want to hide from them.
8. Shopping will be redefined.
You used to shop for shoes, handbags, and cute tops. Now you run in Target for fresh underwear and if you’re lucky, maybe you can grab a t-shirt off the clearance rack, because the one you’re wearing has a stain on it. Free tip: Don’t be over zealous and attempt to try it on. I doubt your prescription is strong enough to get you through that experience.
9. You will learn who your friends really are.
You will lose friends when you become a mother, because well, you don’t have time to keep up with them, and sometimes you won’t see eye to eye on mothering, and sometimes those friends just don’t make the cut. BUT, I promise you this, there will be a special few that stick around, and that’s what you really need and love.
10. You will never be the same.
Your body will change, lines will come, grey hairs will sprout, but embrace the woman in you! She’s wiser, stronger, and she’s a mother!
What are the things nobody ever told you about motherhood?