1. Don’t stress about potty training!
You’ll still be wiping butts long after your kids can do it themselves. Once they learn to potty on their own, they really can’t reach back there, so you keep wiping butts. Then, when they can reach back there, they do a terrible job, so you keep wiping butts. Once they do decent job, you’d still rather just do it yourself, because you know they aren’t going to get everything, so you keep wiping butts. I really can’t pinpoint when the butt wiping stops, but I can tell you that my oldest is 14 and I haven’t wiped his butt in a really long time.
2. Have a lot of sex now!
Have as much sex as you possibly can before you have kids, because once you have kids you won’t ever have sex again. Ever.
3. Your kids won’t really like you.
You will always be the bad guy. Your husband will be more fun and your kids will like him better. Your children will whine and complain in your presence all day, and then when your husband gets home from work they will become the happiest children on earth. It will annoy you, and sometimes make you cry.
4. Motherhood turns you into a big fat liar.
You will lie about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Once you tell one lie, you realize how easy it is, and then you will pretty much lie about anything if it makes your life easier and gets your kids off your back.
5. Don’t judge other moms for what they feed their kids.
Because at some low point in your parenting journey, you will let your kids eat Ramen noodles for breakfast, Oreos for lunch, and then drive them through McDonald’s for dinner. It will happen!
6. You will end up crying to your doctor about your kids.
At some lower point in your journey of motherhood you will fill a prescription for Xanax to cope with all of the people that call your name over and over and demand stuff of you all day long.
7. You will resort to hiding from your children.
Sometimes you will want to hide from your kids, and you will. You’ll come up with creative ways to be alone, like going to the nail salon the laundormat, or you’ll lie about having a stomach ache, because you’re a liar now. Then, you’ll hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes so you check your email without interruption. If you’re kids haven’t reached an age where they let you poop in private, they will. I promise. And yes, when they do reach that age, you will still want to hide from them.
8. Shopping will be redefined.
You used to shop for shoes, handbags, and cute tops. Now you run in Target for fresh underwear and if you’re lucky, maybe you can grab a t-shirt off the clearance rack, because the one you’re wearing has a stain on it. Free tip: Don’t be over zealous and attempt to try it on. I doubt your prescription is strong enough to get you through that experience.
9. You will learn who your friends really are.
You will lose friends when you become a mother, because well, you don’t have time to keep up with them, and sometimes you won’t see eye to eye on mothering, and sometimes those friends just don’t make the cut. BUT, I promise you this, there will be a special few that stick around, and that’s what you really need and love.
10. You will never be the same.
Your body will change, lines will come, grey hairs will sprout, but embrace the woman in you! She’s wiser, stronger, and she’s a mother!
What are the things nobody ever told you about motherhood?
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Twitter: 4hensandrooster
says:
LOVE this. So true. I’m also glad to hear that you no longer wipe at age 14
Another thing they don’t tell you about is vacation. Kiss your pre-parent idea of vacations goodbye. From now on it’s Disney World or something else involving characters and tilt a whirls. Even if you DO take a him/her vacation, it will take you the first 3 days to detox from having the kids around… right about the time you get to go back.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Things that I Miss – And You Will Too.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Oh yeah, vacations are very different now! But, now we’re making memories and we’ll have those post-kid days to vacation again. But, then I kinda hope my grandbabies will be there.
I wish someone had warned me that sleep would NEVER be the same again!! EVER. Because even when they are older I will still worry about why they are still out at all hours of the night – ha! And then I will be old and I will be getting up at 5:30 a.m. no matter what. GAH!
Also, I have to respectfully disagree with #2. ;p
Elaine A. recently posted..Old School Blogging, March
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Oh yes, Elaine! THe sleep thing. I will never sleep again. And I’m pretty dramatic about the sex. I’d like to have more, let’s just say that! It feels like we’re always tired, distracted. WE’re pros at the “quickie”! Thank God for the “Quickie”.
Love this! OK the first one? About wiping the butts? So true! I wonder when I will stop wiping their butts. I hide from my children all the time. I never ever thought that I would do that. I agree with Elaine about the sleep. Even when they sleep by themselves and through the night, I still haven’t gotten a good night of sleep in the last 6 years.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Dear Body
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Yeah, the hiding is pathetic. But, I do it. Daily!
Ok I have to disagree with number 2.. because if we never had sex again then the phrase would be KID not KIDS lol.
Southern Angel recently posted..If I had been in her shoes.. Ketchup with us prompt 13
Twitter: themommymess
says:
True. I do have two kids, so it happened at least that much, right? We have a sex! Just not as often as we’d like!
Can I PLEASE print this and frame it, LARGE and hang it on my living room wall? Only two of my kiddos can read, the others are too young, and the older ones will stop reading once they hit SEX. Lol. This is seriously PRICELESS!!! LOVE it.
Jennifer recently posted..Linkin With The Ladies ~ Thursday Blog Hop
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Yes, please do! Glad you like it!
This is soooo funny! Thanks for the much needed giggle today
Erika ~ Prey Species recently posted..Thank You for Being Nice Despite the Orange Poo!
Twitter: themommymess
says:
You are welcome, Erika!
Twitter: TheDoseTweets
says:
I was smiling and also nodding and laughing. LOVE THIS SO MUCH!! #2, #3, #5….oh, heck…ALL OF THEM!! This is fantastic.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Glad you’re smiling! It makes my day when others can smile and laugh with me!
Hilarious and ALL true! I’m dealing with #9 right now and I constantly hide from my kids, so much so that they think I have a stomach disorder from being in the bathroom so much.
AnnMarie recently posted..Recycled Post: The Gifts of CF
Twitter: themommymess
says:
I do too! Thankfully, my husband is encouraging me to hide from them. He’ll say, “Just go in your room and shut the door”. OK! As I type that, I’m realizing I’m a grown woman getting sent to my room. LOL!!! THat’s fine. I’ll take the time-out!
Haha! these are great. Have a super freaking weekend, you deserve it.
Pam
Pam @Mommacan recently posted..The Sanity Corner – We All Need One
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks, Pam! You too!
This is SO great! 1, 4, 5, 8, 9 I can totally relate to. I’m in the midst of #1 and finding myself saying “If she pees in the potty great if not, who the hell cares.” Thanks for posting this.
Momma Running in Heels recently posted..Running
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Yeah, the potty thing happens when they’re ready. No matter how many sticker charts or skittles in the toilet we use!
Love #4…so true…I am a big, fat liar! Great post!
NatteringNic recently posted..The Ring
Twitter: themommymess
says:
We are big fat liars, aren’t we?!
Twitter: WindyCityLean
says:
Preach it!! I loved all of these.
Penny at Green Moms and Kids
http://greenmomsandkids.wordpress.com
Penny Roach recently posted..Don’t Let Winter Get You Down!
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks, Penny!
YES! As I type this, I’m hiding by rocking the baby to sleep…just me, a sleeping baby and my iPhone for a solid 30 minutes! (Btw, can someone please explain #2 to the Husband?)
Leslie recently posted..{Weigh in Wednesday} Week 9
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Haha! Glad you can relate to #2. It seems some moms are disagreeing. I like to be dramatic, and yes of course we have sex, but OMG it’s not as often as we’d like!
Twitter: KristiLCorrigan
says:
Love this post! I was laughing the whole time I was reading it. No-one ever told me there would be days I would not care if Dora was on all damn day because it meant keeping my kid quiet. I’m not proud of those days but they happen and it keeps me from taking Xanax.
Kristi recently posted..Old School Blogging Meme
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Haha! Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, right? I’ve had those TV days too! I think we all do. Glad I made you laugh!
Twitter: fiercedivablog
says:
Love this – and the don’t judge for what others feed their kids – Ha! I was such a clean eating fanatic and in the past 6 months my kids have lived on mac and cheese – and we have all survived! An no, we will never be the same – in great and profound ways.
ilene recently posted..#unfaithful
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Mac & cheese is the exception to any clean eating plan, no? It’s one of my favorite terrible things to eat!
Twitter: FamRamblings
says:
I’m not a mother as of yet, but I really do hope to be someday (very) soon! I will make sure to keep all of your tips in mind though and maybe they’ll help me make it through! One very important thing you mentioned though was not to judge others. I always hate when I hear stories about mothers judging other mothers for one reason or another. Not everyone is the same and they’re not all going to do everything the same way. It’s really important to remember that. Thank you for the great tips!
Felicia recently posted..Can Technology Change The Game Of Relationships?
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Felicia, if you can remember that one gem, you will be a superstar! So many of the insecurities I’ve had as a mom has been due to worrying too much about what others think or comparing myself to other moms. I hope your dreams of motherhood come true for you very soon!
Twitter: momsvictories
says:
love, love, love your list and can totally relate to every one of them. I can deal with most things my 3 boys throw at me, but I could do with a little less butt wiping. Almost there…
Tanya @ Mom’s Small Victories recently posted..It’s Monday, What Are You Reading? March 4, 2013
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Glad you can relate, and more glad that you can relate to all of them! Haha!
Twitter: OneMommy1
says:
So true about all of these!
Glad to know I won’t be wiping butts when they are 14!
OneMommy recently posted..Thankful Thursday — Funny Kids
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Yes, at 14, your butt wiping will be a thing of the past!
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Oh this is HILARIOUS and SOOOOOO TRUE!!!! I love this post Adrienne!!
Chris Carter recently posted..My Big, Wide Road
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks, Chris!!
Oh, dear God I am laughing so hard right now! I’m not even a mother yet, but I was a nanny for 5 years, so I basically had my “kids.” I just got married. This makes me want to never surrender my uterous and whole body and then my whole life to a screaming child. Someone tell me its worth it?!
Melissa @ Freeing Imperfections recently posted..{ Faith in My Friday } 7 Secrets of a Christian Girl
This is such a great list! I can totally relate! I am in the thick of it with two toddlers and a 7 month old! There really ARE so many things you don’t know about motherhood before you have those babies. No one can really prepare you.
Stopping by from SITS!
Jamie @ Roubinek Reality recently posted..My Top 6 Favorite Baby Items
Twitter: TamaraCamPhoto
says:
Oh, 3, 4, 5, 6 and…7. SO MUCH. Just..so much. I actually struggled most with the transition from one to two. I felt like parenting one seems so easy in comparison. I probably didn’t think it at the time, though…
Tamara recently posted..Wide Open Is Not Broken.
After raising two children to adulthood, I totally agree with all your points!
Happy SITSharefest!
Cathy
http://apeekintomyparadise.blogspot.com/
LOL! I can relate to a few of these myself! Still, the sacrifice is worth it!
~Keri
http://homeschoolmom82.blogspot.com/
This is a really fantastic list. I think of all of them, the one I agree most with is number 1!
Elaine Griffin recently posted..Choosing Keywords and Monitoring Analytics