Before I stumbled upon blogging, I had forgotten how much writing soothed my soul.
When I was a little girl, I had big dreams of becoming a writer.
Back then, I believed in myself.
I just believe in all the things that get in the way of my dreams.
In the meantime, something is happening here. My blog is growing. Those numbers I’ve been watching for a long time are actually moving, and I thought I’d be more excited about it.
But, instead I’m just restless and confused.
Sometimes I forget why I write this blog. I get caught up in the business of trying to make it, and I find myself lost in a sea of sponsored posts and deadlines.
I love writing. That’s why I have this space.
But, on the flip side of many bloggers, there’s the other side. The side that hosts a giveaway every now and then, or writes a sponsored post so her time online isn’t completely in vain.
I’m grateful for the opportunities that have come my way as a result of this space being here.
I won’t allow myself to feel judged for taking some of those opportunities, because many of them have provided a little something extra for my family. Sometimes, opportunities come my way that bless me, and I’m OK with that, too.
I’m not one to shop for myself. I don’t treat myself to the top on clearance when I’m at Target to buy a birthday present. I pass the clothing section with the discipline of…well, somebody really disciplined. So, I’ll take some swag every once in a while. Don’t judge. I’m a girl. If you want to send me a free purse that I would otherwise like to buy myself, but never will, I’m OK with that. Free jewelry? Yes, please.
But, then I realized that writing those posts take time. They take away from my heart for blogging. I had no idea that there would be so many distractions while I tried to find my way. I had no idea that trying to make it also meant that I would sacrifice some of the precious time I have to actually write what I’m passionate about.
Somewhere between my last deadline and my next sponsored post, I began losing the voice I felt I had just recently found.
I’m not sure what the balance is. I’m not asking you, either.
When I sit down and think about the real reasons I wanted to pursue this thing, I’m left with just a few.
I wanted to offer a place where other moms felt encouraged.
I wanted this space to be a place where you could count on reading something honest, even if that left me vulnerable. In many cases, I’ve lost sleep over some of the posts I’ve written, wondering if I was too honest.
I wanted to share a space that you wanted to return to over and over. Not because I wanted to be a pro blogger and have thousands of Facebook fans, but because I enjoy talking with you, because I love sharing stories with you, and because I believe that in sharing our stories with each other, we offer encouragement and fellowship to one another.
I hope that this space has been at least one of those things for you.
As we go along this blogging journey it’s so easy to get caught up in the narcissism that lies deep within us. We all have the desire to be heard. We all have the desire to be liked. We all have the “it’s all about me gene”, and it’s a dangerous trap.
I want this journey to be something bigger than me. Not for my glory, but God’s.
Something that’s lead by my Heavenly Father, because I trust His plans way more than I trust my own.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11
Am I heading in His direction?
Is it this blog part of His plan?
Is the sponsored post I have scheduled for tomorrow about coffee part of that plan? I mean, really. Is it? And maybe it is.
But, I think we can get in our own way sometimes. Go with me here.
We get in our own way by going our own way. Anybody?
Maybe this post will leave you scratching your head and wondering what the heck I’m talking about, or maybe, just maybe, you’ll relate in some way.
And that will be a beautiful thing.
This post isn’t just about me and my blog.
It’s about losing focus and finding it again. It’s about continuing to do something we love, even when it doesn’t make much sense. It’s about getting out of my way.
I don’t know where this blog is headed, but God does.
I’m releasing it to Him, The Only One who can truly give me the wisdom and discernment I need in any path I take in life.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. ~Psalm 119:105
I finally picked a word for 2013, now that it’s almost March. (That’s how I roll.)
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