Today’s Featured blogger is someone special. Chris from The Mom Cafe has a passion for writing and shares a piece of her heart in each post she writes. Her blog is a place where you can count on finding a little humor, a little inspiration, and a lot of faith.
Chris and I share a heart for the Lord and I love reading her posts about her journey of faith and motherhood. If you’re not familiar with The Mom Cafe, then you are in for a treat. When I asked Chris to share a post, I simply asked her to share an honest mommy moment. A “mommy mess” of her own, if you will. I think we can all relate to her post today.
Please give a warm welcome to Chris!
Words and Looks…
Oh the power of words. They sting or soak our souls with a spirit of their own. I am profoundly impacted by them. Aren’t we all? They have a power that can break our hearts or launch our dreams. I wish I used them more wisely. I wish I chose to control my tongue and use it for good…all the time. There are so many scriptures regarding how we use our words. And yet…so easily I slip out words that discourage, disengage, dismiss, or at times destroy.
How dare I…
I am well aware when I do it. I am angry or frustrated or agitated or irritated. I know why I do it. I certainly know what causes me to use such harsh words. I know the impact of them and even know it is so wrong.
And yet, I still do it.
It’s not that I abuse my power as a mom and have intent on belittling my children or shaming them. It’s just that there are times when I am so mad or irritated or frustrated or angry that I somehow give myself permission to use words that I know will have significant impact and meaning. My words will make my kids stop and listen or change what they are doing, or remember next time, or treat another sibling with respect. I can justify my wounding words in that moment, apparently…or why would I use them? I am also good at certain looks that reflect my disappointment or anger. Sometimes those hurt more than my words.
Need examples?
I will spit out a few:
“Seriously? How can you forget AGAIN to brush your teeth/brush your hair/turn off the tv/bring your lunchbox home ETC? What is WRONG with YOU! ”
“Unbelievable. Pathetic. Really? And please tell me…what on earth were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all? No. You were NOT thinking AT ALL.”
I am proud to say I usually don’t cuss (I use the word “usually” because the D word and the S word have been thrown around a few times). I refrain myself from also going “there” with the harshness of:
Idiot
Stupid
Loser
ETC.
I just have a gift of conveying those words with less offensive ones. I believe my eyes may say more than my mouth at times. They truly yell those horrible thoughts going on in my mind that I don’t want to say because it would really, really hurt my kids. So I hold back the really dark words and throw in less extreme negativities and leave the crushing blow up to my eyes. They say it all. Sometimes the things unraveling in my mind are hideous. And I dare not share them out loud. At least I have some control…
I say as if this should make it all better.
Oh, I love my kids with crazy amounts of reinforcement and praise and hugs and kisses. They hold all those beautiful moments in their hearts. But they also hold all my nasty words and looks in their hearts too…
My words may pierce their hearts like daggers.
And my eyes may slash their spirits like swords.
Oh how hard it is to write this truth. Because writing it makes me accountable. Just as it should.
I will breathe through those exhausting frustrating moments, and not immediately purge my anger. I will inhale your Strength, Lord. And exhale your Grace. I will control my tongue and calmly pray… for peace within me before I speak.
I will try and try and try…
Oh, how I will try.
Proverbs 12:18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Be sure to visit The Mom Cafe and let Chris know she’s not alone! You can also follow her on Twitter as @TheMomCafe and connect with her on Facebook too!
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Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Thank you SO much Adrienne for having me over at your place. You are a gift. You are a blessing. And I am grateful to know you…
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
I love this post! Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable place so bravely! We can all learn that lesson of controling our tongues!
Twitter: anotherjenb
says:
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. I hate it when I question the use of my words or my actions at the end of the day. I try to be honest with my kids and note when I could have used a different approach when trying to get their attention. Nobody’s perfect. I’m sure we all could strive for better words and actions with our kids.
another jennifer recently posted..Philanthropy Friday: Molly Bears
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
So glad you shared that Jennifer! I am well aware of this area of imperfection… and sharing it in a post is both convicting and encouraging… Thanks so much for reading and sharing!
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Yes, oh yes. This one strikes close to the nerve! It is always at night as I am reflecting on the day that I just simply HATE how I spoke. I, too, get so very angry and want them to know really KNOW how mad I am. I hate being “bipolar” mommy… I can see it in their faces as I am doing it, the shame…SHAME! I wish I could channel the mom’s I see who speak so quietly and softly to their children…alas, no, I just live in regret and apologize to them…
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
I knew you would SO get this!!! I seriously thought of you when I was writing it, only because we have always talked about it and laughed about how awful we can be…in a shameful regretting way. Ah…the mothers who can control their tongue and their eyes…. if only.
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
{Melinda} Oh, Chris. I struggle with this, too. You were at my house this morning, right? I did not choose my words carefully as I was trying to get my teenager out the door at 6:45! No one can control their tongue in that situation, right? Actually, yes. When I call on the power of the Holy Spirit, He does help me control my sarcastic and biting tongue. I had a painful reminder. I feel such regret after I’ve let loose. His grace is sufficient. Somehow it’s comforting to know that other mamas who love the Lord and love their children fiercely are fighting this same battle.
Mothering From Scratch recently posted..we’ve moved mountains as moms
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Yes! I felt awful sharing it and yet, loving God and walking in faith does NOT make me perfect. It never ever will… I worried a bit that others might judge, but I hold a confidence in knowing His Grace is sufficient for us all. And sharing might help make me more accountable and convicted to change. Seeing the response, it is encouraging for me to know others who have beautiful hearts struggle too.
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Twitter: TheDoseTweets
says:
Oh, Chris. This is so true and it’s something I struggle with as well. Sometimes I know as it’s coming out of my mouth that it sounds too harsh–and yet, I still say it. You are so right that they hold not only our praise in their hearts, but our harsh words as well.
I will try harder…not only not to let harsh things escape from my mouth, but to not feel that irritation as often. They are little, they are trying (mostly). And you are so right that they can read your eyes and emotions as well as the words themselves.
The Dose of Reality recently posted..Friday Feasts: The Lunch Project and Also… Thank Goodness January Is Almost Over
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
I love this comment Lisa… you describe exactly what I go through! I know they are little and there are SO many times I get so frustrated with my kids for the WRONG reasons! My patience wears thin and I expect too much… or get waaaay too mad. Then I absolutely feel like CRAP after. I always apologize if I realize it was too much and thank GOD kids are resilient and forgiving… (she says as if that makes it all better…)
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Twitter: ProwessandPearl
says:
Been there, done that! Thank you my friend for your transparency…for we as parents have done this more often than we’d like. I thank God for His grace and our children’s unconditional love for us! He’s so merciful to us! Something that I learned from the Holy Spirit, was to ask God to supernaturally remove every criticism and every harsh word (lashed at my children by myself) from my their memory and to help me when I feel myself “going there”. That’s just one more part of our stinkin’ flesh we have to conquer. Thanks again Chris for sharing…have a fantabulous weekend!
Michell recently posted.."Doing YOU WELL Wednesday" Link-up #2
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
OH OH OH I LOVE THAT!!!!!!! Oh thank you SO MUCH Michell for that advice!!!!!! YES! Oh I will pray for God to “supernaturally remove every criticism and every harsh word (lashed at my children by myself) from my their memory and to help me when I feel myself “going there”.” You just gave me such encouragement for sharing that Michell. Your words of wisdom and encouragement (from years of experience!!) are truly a GOD-SEND. Bless you!!!
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Twitter: ProwessandPearl
says:
Awww…thank you Chris! We’re all in this together girl!!
I’m a firm believer of passing it on. It gets to me when people don’t share what they’ve learned. You know the old saying…”well if I had to go through it, they have to go through it too”…I mean really!? Lol! Btw…it really works! I love Him because He’s faithful concerning what He tells you to do! Have a good one and much love to to you lady! 
Michell recently posted.."Doing YOU WELL Wednesday" Link-up #2
I had a moment like this morning. It really stinks but I’m glad I’m not the only that makes mistakes. Time to pray about my actions and words.
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Oh Stephanie… I JUST had a moment!!! HA! SO much for being convicted… “Time to pray about my actions and words”. SO beautifully said. Couldn’t agree more. I figure the more I really give this to God and set my heart on changing…the better He can work on me…in me…through me.
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Twitter: wombatcentral
says:
You’re not alone. I’ve yelled, “What is WRONG with you?” on more than one occasion, and want to flog myself afterward. Bedtime can get very frustrating with a couple of kiddos who love to stall!
I guess the best we can do it take note of the things we say that we’d rather not, and carry that forward so there won’t be a next time.
You’re doing a great job, mama!
Wombat Central recently posted..Making Friends at Every Age
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
That is my favorite “go to” phrase… “What is WRONG with you???” Hmm…if someone said that to me… OUCH. Yes, Flog myself indeed! LOVE that!! Bedtime is awful. You are tired, you are done, and they are not. Not- NOT a good combo. I get that. Here’s to trying to NOT have a next time…
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
I think as moms we’re all guilty of that. Sometimes in the midst of my anger, I Stutter and stammer all over myself trying to quickly pick and choose my words. Usually, I end up not making sense. .. then chuckle in my head. Work in progress. Great post!
Hope recently posted..Cool Running…
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
AH yes… an ABSOLUTE work in progress!!! “Progress and work..” go together well. Ya can’t have progress without the work. I need to work more so I can truly make progress in holding both my words and my intentions accountable and honorable. Praying for God to truly transform my heart in this area.
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Twitter: fiercedivablog
says:
Chris, I don’t know one mom who can’t relate to this. And all we can do, is try and try and try like you said. I practice yoga EVERY morning and meditate – I can be in this great state of calm, and walk out of my practice room when the kids wake up and start giving those “looks” you’re talking about within the first 30 seconds – after spending the first hour of my morning working on my “inner peace!” I will keep trying too – just like you – and will also – like you – try to hold myself accountable. Great post.
ilene recently posted..Negligees and Chakra Rocks
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Oh Ilene!!!! YES!!! I TOTALLY get that… I can be in the best mood and just had a lovely women’s group and all “peace-d out” and can’t wait to see my kids at pick up… literally within TEN seconds of seeing them, I have lost it. TEN SECONDS!! I love your yoga story… I can just picture how that would unfold. Kind of like a movie scene or sitcom scene… You have found your “zen” for an HOUR and walk out of your bedroom to find the bedrooms torn apart, toilet paper all over the bathroom and toothpaste smeared everywhere… and all peace is GONE. (at least that’s one scene that ran in my head!!) Lets try together… and try and try and try…
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Twitter: experbadmom
says:
Two of my favorite ladies on the web teaming up today! Thanks, Chris, for telling it like it is. We are all real and all fail. In our weakness His strength is made perfect.
Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom recently posted..Scout’s Honor
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Thanks so much Katy!!! Oh how I need to hear that and soak it deep in my heart. Perfect words to share… “In our weakness His strength is made perfect.” Soaking it in… praying all moms can too.
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Thanks for the vulnerable post Chris, we can all sure relate!
One of my primary reasons for homeschooling this year was to work on this area of character development! I want to enrich my relationship with my children in the right direction however ‘tough’ the learning is some days! I treat bad temper as any sinful action/disease of ‘self’ and literally focus on trying to get through 1 day or hour or minute at a time without letting my ‘tongue’ get the best of me! Fatigue and hunger tends to be the worst combination for me, so that is when I am most vulnerable to that dark force! Learning that was a first step though because I knew although I can’t always combat fatigue, I can stay fed! I’m good at that if I just make it a priority! And regular food does fight some of the fatigue!
I realized each day will bring frustrations from kids who are far from perfect. But like us, they are doing the best they can….I’m learning to have more mercy for them like my God does for me…..accepting their unintentional mistakes, their inevitable flaws, and putting the focus on learning vs. condemning. Wow. Not always easy but ALWAYS possible….an attitude, a perspective, and ultimately a choice we can make with His help.
The kids act, look, and feel different when we compound ‘good’ days when mom didn’t lose her temper. I can see the contentment in their heart show through their eyes. God blesses the hard work of truly taking the alternative path when the blood starts to boil! The entire day goes so much smoother and peaceful for me which immediately reflects on the kids. God is soooooo good in his rewards for our efforts….we just must take it one day or hour at a time and keep our focus on His will for our lives! I sure learned how everything always unravels when I think I can do it all without Jesus carrying the burdens for me and with me! Thinking we are self-sufficient can be our biggest weakness!
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
What a beautiful and well thought out comment my dear Candice!!! I am so proud of all you have done to raise up your children with GOD centered direction, motivation and inspiration. It’s just so cool how we can plug into His sweet Grace and Strength and be able to transform our hearts, our tongues, our days, our lives…
Thank you for sharing these wise and encouraging words!!
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Oh, so true. I remember the look in my father’s eyes when I was a child…the anger burning just underneath the surface…. I knew if he opened his mouth those horrible words would pour out: “whaddya, dumb?” “Put that fork down, ya hog!”
Words have SO much power…thank you for sharing this. I think we all struggle with curbing our tongues, but as this post points out, it is SO imperative that we figure it out.
Kerri recently posted..Purely MG
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Thank you so much for sharing those very powerful words and memories Kerri. It breaks my heart to even read them because it makes this topic even more critical, significant and quite honestly…shameful. Thank you for your convicting memories and motivating encouragement. I appreciate your comment SO much! Here’s to really really REALLY transforming our hearts, minds, words…and eyes. Oh how I pray that my kids don’t hold memories like those… Sigh.
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Twitter: katbiggie
says:
Chris, as usual, your words get right to my soul! I have been thinking about this very topic for quite awhile now. I have a draft blog post that I’ve been messing around with for months for the “right moment” – that touches on many of these themes.
I know the damage that was done to me by words. I know the lifelong impact that they can have. It’s almost as bad sometimes as being physically abused, and the cycle is the same. I am trying so very hard not to lash out at my children, but like you’ve so eloquently stated, sometimes it just happens.
Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in this, and that other loving mamas have this same pitfall!
Alexa recently posted..MC 13: How Do You Handle Picky Eaters?
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
Oh Alexa, I am so relieved there are other moms out there that struggle too with this issue. Not that it makes it okay… Lord no. But it helps to know that we can support and help each other be more accountable with our words and eyes and actions. They are all POWERFUL and our precious children are worthy of our best. Thank you so much for your honest and valuable insight. You are so right… verbal abuse could be more damaging than physical. I pray I am not in either category…ever.
Chris Carter recently posted..I Am At The Mommy Mess Today!!
Oh, I just love that you shared this. I could have written it. I really could have. It is one thing I wish I had more self control with. I want to speak kinder to my kids. I want to convey what I want without being harsh. I want to but I fall short.
AnnMarie recently posted..Potty-Training Humor and TV Review
And again…how in the heck do I keep missing these posts?? My email must have a glitch and the sick kids aren’t helping but so happy to see my favorite bloggers together here. Great taste, Adrienne.
AnnMarie recently posted..Potty-Training Humor and TV Review
Twitter: TheMomCafe
says:
AW!!!! You are such a sweetheart AnnMarie!!!! I hope your email notifications are coming through? And I hate that there have been some times you had difficulty commenting on my blog! What the??? ARG! Well I am surely glad I came back to check the comments again… because I was blessed by your honest and supportive words. THANK you. Here’s to trying to use kinder words. Trying… trying hard…
Chris Carter recently posted..February Friend #1
Twitter: themommymess
says:
I hate that you’re missing posts. Do you get emails? or subscribe to RSS feeds?
It’s email but for some reason, yours, Mom of the Year and Making it Work Mom aren’t coming through. I resubscribed and will see if that works.
AnnMarie recently posted..Potty-Training Humor and TV Review