The last few days have been difficult. I’m watching my son struggle with compulsions and behaviors, and I’m reminded that it’s always going to be there. No matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it’s there. It’s difficult to except that even though he’s well and progressing, OCD is still an active part of his everyday life. On the outside he’s doing great. On the inside he’s battling the monster he tries to hide from everyone, even me.
It’s so hard to balance my expectations with his “progress”, because so much of that progress is his ability to mask his fears and compulsions. It’s hard to tell the difference between progress and management. That being said, I believe that learning to manage this thing *is* progress. Don’t get me wrong. Management skills are a necessary part in this battle, but management skills are also a breeding ground for hiding.
I don’t want him to grow up in an environment where he feels he had to hide. I want our home to always be his safe place for him. A place where he can release the monster without judgement. I find myself struggling with this. I realize this morning I need to allow him to release his anxiety here in our home in a way that’s healthy for him and the rest of our family. I can’t expect to discipline OCD, it doesn’t listen. I have to remember that I can’t fix an irrational problem, and I certainly can’t reason with it!
Should I let him adjust the blinds four hundred times a day?
Should I let him shower when I know he does’t really need to?
Should I stand by while he washes his hands over and over?
Right now, the answer is yes.
Trying to control OCD is only going to make the situation worse. The more I try to control it, the more it’s going to overtake him. It’s not fair to him.
For whatever reason, he’s struggling, and he needs a safe place.
A place to just be. That is and will forever be this home! No matter what!
This post is linked to Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out weekly meme.
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I have a few OCD tendencies and I know what a struggle they are to deal with on a daily basis. There are certain things that I have to do before I leave my house or I can’t enjoy my time while I am outside of it. I am not diagnosed with OCD but I do see that those who truly have it are doing the best to resist the urges but they keep calling at them until they get it just right and sometimes, that is after adjusting the blinds for the 400th time. Your son is lucky to be in a safe place where you don’t judge him and let him deal with these tendencies and urges. Keep up the good work!
Kristen recently posted..Dinner Battle With A Picky Tween
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Well, I wish I offered the grace I wrote about on Wednesday the rest of the week. IT’s been a tough one.
My son was also diagnosed with OCD when he was around 12. His manifests in collecting, not so much in repeated rituals. We have learned what most of his stress triggers are and can work together to manage those. I’ve also learned over time, when to push back and encourage him to do things out of his comfort zone. It takes time, and can be very frustrating, but it’s worth it to see him not want to pick up everything he finds on the street, or buy every single die cast car at Wal-Mart. He still collects the cars, but has drastically narrowed it down to a specific type and has turned it into a way to invest in actual collectable toys, making money from his hobby/obsession.
Having parents who understand, and give him a safe place is what your son needs, and it sounds like he has just that. At the basic level, OCD is not something he can control, and knowing his parents love him and don’t judge him, will be a great comfort for him.
Tara R. recently posted..Method to my madness
Twitter: themommymess
says:
I worry about my youngest sometimes. He collects! Sigh…I can’t even let myself think about it.
Twitter: thehilljean
says:
I am so sorry for your struggle! We have dealt with that in my family with my younger brother. It seemed the hardest time for him was in junior high and part of high school. I think there were so many changes that he just felt the need to control something. It was hard on all of us, but probably the most difficult for my mom as she ran through the same questions you have to ask yourself. I think you’ve got the right approach that your house is a safe place for him to be himself. I’m sure the balance is delicate but its clear that you love him to death and are helping him the best you can. Sending hugs your way!
hilljean recently posted..My Dark Passenger: Fear And Rheumatoid Arthritis
Twitter: thehilljean
says:
I am so sorry for your struggle! We have dealt with that in my family with my younger brother. It seemed the hardest time for him was in junior high and part of high school. I think there were so many changes that he just felt the need to control something.
It was hard on all of us, but probably the most difficult for my mom as she ran through the same questions you have to ask yourself. I think you’ve got the right approach that your house is a safe place for him to be himself. I’m sure the balance is delicate but its clear that you love him to death and are helping him the best you can.
Sending hugs your way! By the way, any chance youre gonna be at BCC Chicago??
hilljean recently posted..My Dark Passenger: Fear And Rheumatoid Arthritis
Twitter: themommymess
says:
We could probably swap a ton of stories. And I wish I was going to be there!!
Thank you for your wonderful post and feeling comfortable enough to share with all of your readers!
Nikki O recently posted..Just call me PumpkinBuddy
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Thanks for reading!
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
says:
He’s so lucky to have you, an understanding mom who wants to help him, who can and will provide him a safe place. Hang on in there, the both of you.
Alison recently posted..Digging Deep
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks, Alison! We’re hanging!
my little sister has OCD and she finally went to therapy after she and her husband had their first baby a year ago…but she’s doing so much better…a struggle every day for sure, but we can all tell…
You’re a good mom….you’re doing an awesome job…
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..Telling Pregnancy Signs
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Awww, Holly. Thanks!!
It sounds like he needs an outlet right now- and you are letting him have that safe place! xo
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Learning Experience or Being Competitive
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks girl!