The last few weeks have been filled with confusion for me. The kids have been driving me crazy, my marriage has suffered some hits, and everywhere I turned I saw one more thing I wasn’t able to complete. Each day was another reminder of my inefficiency. School just seemed to drag on from one day to the next, and several things that I’m still working though personally, left me drained. Exhausted. Empty.
Depression and anxiety began to find their way into my life again, and I I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t tell the difference between reality and my own warped perception. I questioned our choice to homeschool. Surely, the kids would be better off at school with a teacher who didn’t yell at them. I worried my marriage was in trouble. How could it not be? I’m a total bitch. I worried that I was doing a terrible job as a mother. My kids are sure to grow up to hate me. I thought that my dreams of writing and using this blog as a stepping stone were a waste of time. Who do you think you are, anyway?
I began to listen to every lie Satan had to offer, no matter how ridiculous it was. In fact, the more outrageous the idea, the more I was convinced that it was truth. I believed that I wasn’t worthy, able, or strong. I believed I was weak, and I wanted to give up. The fight had run out of me, and my family suffered.
I stopped cooking dinner. I gave up trying to keep the house clean. I mean, what’s the point? No one eats what I make and the mess will just come back tomorrow. Self pity overtook me and my attitude just plain sucked! I couldn’t crack a smile even if I tried and I was exhausted just being me.
But, God has a funny way of reaching down and slapping you silly, when you need Him to. He took everything I depended on and made sure the only thing I could rely on was Him. He beat me down to lift me up higher than I have ever been lifted, and I am praising Him today for his faithfulness and grace. For keeping his promises and once again, forgiving me, loving me, and believing in me.
My eyes are open again.
He’s washed away every distraction and left me with a peace that can only come from Him.
You see, I forgot.
I forgot that God’s plans are always better than my own. He makes sense. He is truth! I started to trust Him again, and talk to Him. I cried out and He answered. I’ve fallen flat on my face at the feet of Jesus, and I’m walking in freedom again for the first time in months.
Old chains are so much heavier when you put them back on. But, oh how good it feels to shatter them once and for all.
Thank you, Jesus.