I remember.

26 Sep By

The last few weeks have been filled with confusion for me. The kids have been driving me crazy, my marriage has suffered some hits, and everywhere I turned I saw one more thing I wasn’t able to complete. Each day was another reminder of my inefficiency. School just seemed to drag on from one day to the next, and several things that I’m still working though personally, left me drained. Exhausted. Empty.

Depression and anxiety began to find their way into my life again, and I I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t tell the difference between reality and my own warped perception. I questioned our choice to homeschool. Surely, the kids would be better off at school with a teacher who didn’t yell at them. I worried my marriage was in trouble. How could it not be? I’m a total bitch. I worried that I was doing a terrible job as a mother. My kids are sure to grow up to hate me. I thought that my dreams of writing and using this blog as a stepping stone were a waste of time. Who do you think you are, anyway?

I began to listen to every lie Satan had to offer, no matter how ridiculous it was. In fact, the more outrageous the idea, the more I was convinced that it was truth. I believed that I wasn’t worthy, able, or strong. I believed I was weak, and I wanted to give up. The fight had run out of me, and my family suffered.

I stopped cooking dinner. I gave up trying to keep the house clean. I mean, what’s the point? No one eats what I make and the mess will just come back tomorrow. Self pity overtook me and my attitude just plain sucked! I couldn’t crack a smile even if I tried and I was exhausted just being me.

But, God has a funny way of reaching down and slapping you silly, when you need Him to. He took everything I depended on and made sure the only thing I could rely on was Him. He beat me down to lift me up higher than I have ever been lifted, and I am praising  Him today for his faithfulness and grace. For keeping his promises and once again, forgiving me, loving me, and believing in me.

My eyes are open again.

He’s washed away every distraction and left me with a peace that can only come from Him.

You see, I forgot.

I forgot that God’s plans are always better than my own. He makes sense. He is truth! I started to trust Him again, and talk to Him. I cried out and He answered. I’ve fallen flat on my face at the feet of Jesus, and I’m walking in freedom again for the first time in months.

Old chains are so much heavier when you put them back on. But, oh how good it feels to shatter them once and for all.

I forgot.

But, now…

I remember.

Thank you, Jesus.

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Adrienne

Somewhere along the way I picked up homeschooling two boys and blogging. When I'm not scrubbing toilets or answering endless questions, I'm usually here, over sharing it all! My writing is always honest, sometimes sarcastic, and never perfect. I hope to keep my kids from seeking adult therapy. I know. Pipe dreams...You can find me as @TheMommyMess on Twitter and on Facebook.

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Filed Under: faith

34 Comments

Comments

  1. ilene
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 26, 2012 at 2:33 am

    I love coming here. You always remind my that I am not in charge. I had a funny week too – full of warped thoughts – when in reality, I just need to do my part and let the rest go. xo
    ilene recently posted..HookyMy Profile

    Reply
  2. Shell says:
    September 26, 2012 at 2:51 am

    I have those moments where I feel like that as well. Will be back tomorrow to listen to that song- have a little one asleep beside me now!
    Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Seeing a DifferenceMy Profile

    Reply
  3. Katrina
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 26, 2012 at 4:54 am

    My mom has always told me that whenever I think to myself, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m failing as a mother” or anything else negative about myself, that it’s actually Satan whispering in my ear trying to tear me down. He is very subtle and sneaky that way. He loves to tear us down, loves to make us feel bad about ourselves, loves to render us vulnerable. His aim is to destroy our hearts, to destroy our faith and our hope. He is, in every sense of the word, evil. Only God lifts us up! In him we can find love and acceptance. When we put our trust in Him, really trust him in everything, that is the only way we can truly find peace within ourselves. He loves us with all of our short-comings, all of our imperfections, and despite our sins and our mistakes. His love is powerful. It is all that we need :)

    Reply
  4. Alison
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 26, 2012 at 6:02 am

    I’m so glad you found your way back again. xo
    Alison recently posted..It’s Not You, It’s MeMy Profile

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  5. hilljean
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 26, 2012 at 6:35 am

    I’ve missed you! I am glad you feel restored and recharged. God has a wonderful way of doing that when we’re the biggest basketcases. *hugs*
    hilljean recently posted..The Mug That Means FallMy Profile

    Reply
  6. Barbara says:
    September 26, 2012 at 8:25 am

    I feel like that sometimes too. Sometimes we just need to let go. .
    Barbara recently posted..Fall is in the AirMy Profile

    Reply
  7. Making It Work Mom says:
    September 26, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I think we all go through those times that are filled with sefl-pity and self-doubt. The important thing is you made it through and will be a better person because of it.
    Making It Work Mom recently posted..Hanging OutMy Profile

    Reply
  8. JDaniel4's Mom says:
    September 26, 2012 at 11:15 am

    I am so glad you find yourself leaning on the truth and on Him.
    JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Spending Time at the BeachMy Profile

    Reply
  9. Katina says:
    September 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Hey there! Girrrl, when I was reading this I was like, is she in MY head? I feel the same way so often….thank you for the reminder to look up instead of my surroundings. Satan is the author of all lies! We must find our strength and meaning in HIM!
    Katina recently posted..31 Days to Clean-Day 2My Profile

    Reply
  10. Michell
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 26, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Been there, done that…haven’t we all though!;-) I’ve learned that when I find myself getting depressed, frustrated and out of sorts…I stop on a dime and begin to thank God for every good thing He has already given me and remember that it’s still MUCH BETTER than nothing at all! Discontentment is not a result of our circumstances, but a state of our souls and only through HIs grace, love and mercy(and our will) are we able to get out of it. This is why I love Him sooooo much; because even though I can be wretched, ungrateful and ornery at times, He ALWAYS manages to look past that and see the best in me! Wow…now that’s love! Thanks for the reminder Adrienne! ;-)

    Reply
  11. jenn
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 26, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Girl, once upon a time I could have written those first few paragraphs myself – I get it.
    I know those chains all too well.
    “But, oh how good it feels to shatter them once and for all.” Say it again, say it again!!
    Praying for you at this moment. And praising God for his mercy and love for both of us! xo

    Reply
  12. Kristen says:
    September 26, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    So happy you broke out of those chains and found your true heart and smile again. It’s a beautiful smile! Don’t ever let anything or anyone take it from you.
    Kristen recently posted..Great Expectations with G*funk*ifiedMy Profile

    Reply
  13. The Mommy Therapy
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 26, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    I am so happy you’ve found your way back. It is so easy to fall in to the lies we can tell ourselves about this challenging, though blessed life. So very glad you have this space to share and encourage others going through the same things..

    Stopping by from Shell’s PYHO!
    The Mommy Therapy recently posted..The Bad News Is I’m Unlikable, The Good News Is There Are Side Notes – PYHOMy Profile

    Reply
  14. AnnMarie says:
    September 27, 2012 at 4:13 am

    I can so relate to this! It’s exactly (besides the homeschooling part) where I have been the last few weeks. Glad to see that we are both finding our way. You are an inspiration, my friend.
    AnnMarie recently posted..An Open Letter to ExplainMy Profile

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  15. Charlotte
    Twitter:
    says:
    September 27, 2012 at 4:25 am

    What a beautiful and courageous post this is. It’s not easy to come out of these depths and find the strength to keep on, but faith makes it so. So very happy you have found that pillar that keeps you going for yourself, your sanity, and for your family. Take care of yourself always. I have a feeling everything will work out as it’s intended to. :)
    Charlotte recently posted..Oktoberfest in Jersey–hold the schnitzelMy Profile

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  16. Rach (DonutsMama) says:
    September 28, 2012 at 2:44 am

    Thanks for this reminder. I can relate a lot to this. It’s funny how God works sometimes.
    Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Autumn Crafting (Or What I Wish I Made If I Had Time)My Profile

    Reply
  17. Beth (A Mom's Life) says:
    September 28, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Hmmmm…sounds like Satan isn’t very creative because he tells me those exact same things! Learning to ignore his voice and listen to His voice is a daily challenge for me. Great post!

    Reply

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