I would imagine that every parent of a teenager begins to feel a disconnectedness with their child, but as a parent of a teen with Asperger’s, I think this can be even more challenging. These are three simple steps that I think help make a a difference.
1. Listen carefully-Make a conscious effort to keep from pretending that you’re listening and actually do it. I will be the first to admit, I need work in this area!
It’s hard to “follow” my son’s lead in a conversation. His efforts are usually very one-sided, and his communication skills are generally lacking. He’s got a great sense of humor, but his timing is usually off. I have to make an effort to not care and soak up his humor, even if it’t the worst possible time. When he wants to talk, he only ever wants to talk about what he’s interested in, which is usually something I know nothing about. On the flip side, If I want to connect with him, I have to become interested in his choice of topic. So I will listen when he tells me about that commercial I’ve seen 45 times. Again. Because if I don’t, the chance to make a connection will be gone in an instant.
2. Do your homework-Take 15 minutes out of your day to learn something about your teen. What are those funny pictures he’s always telling you about? Find some of your own funny memes, and text them to him. Connect on his level and on his playing field. If I tag my son in a picture on Facebook, it never finds it’s way to his timeline. But, a few days ago I sent him an image of sand multiplied by 250X. He loved it! A “mom and me” picture? Notsomuch. A random scientific fact? Yes, please. Google is your best friend. Use it!
3. Ask questions-It can be hard for an Aspie teen to make conversation. Being a teenager is awkward enough, and feeling like you’re never on the same page as everyone else is frustrating. I can see that my son struggles to make a connection sometimes, and I hate it. Instead of waiting for your child to spark up a conversation, take the lead by asking questions. Something as simple as “What’s your favorite food?” will spark an opportunity for you and your teen to interact. The more random, the better!
Honey, what’s your favorite food?
Why?
I’m just curious. I should know your favorite food.
He answers with a question, What’s yours?
Crab legs!, I tell him with certainty.
“Don’t give me that crab! Now, what’s really your favorite food?”
Puns are his favorite thing!
Funny kid!
*****
Do your child’s needs interfere with your ability to connect?
How do you handle the challenge ?
Want tips on how to make the Back-to-School transition easier for your Aspie child? Be sure to read my guest post at Childswork on 9/5!
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Twitter: fiercedivablog
says:
I RAN to your site when the post title appeared in my Facebook page. I am already beginning to “lose” my strong willed 8 year old, and I have not always handled our head butting with…ahem…grace and dignity, This is great, straightforward, simple advice. I am always grateful for your perspective on parenting!
ilene recently posted..To The Mom on Craig’s List
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks, girl! It’s 3 simple things I feel like I can actually do. Sometimes I read tips and they seem so overwhelming. “10 steps to change your kids” please! I can’t even get to #2 on some of those lists. LOL!
Twitter: FotoCourtney
says:
This is great advice for all parents, not just Aspies. I have one too, he is 7, and JUST learned that his social struggles have a name. We are learning to be interested in his topics, even when we aren’t. A little goes a long way and we also let him know when we just can’t talk about his favorite topics any more. I love finding other Aspie parents because somedays are SO HARD, while others are SO AMAZING! Take care! Glad I found you on SITS.
Courtney recently posted..When will I learn?
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Hey Courtney,
Thanks for coming by! Everyday is a learning experience. I’m sure I’ve brushed him off more times today than I should have. I totally agree. Some days are like “oh, this kid is amazing” and other days are so hard they make me cry. Glad to find you!
Adrienne recently posted..How to Find a Blog Sponsor-Part 1
Twitter: thehilljean
says:
I didn’t know your son had Aspergers. How did I not know this? i guess I am relatively new to your blog but I feel like we’re old friends. Anywho, my younger brother has Aspergers and if you compared how he was as a teen with who he is today you would think he’s “cured.” He’s come such a long way. It’s funny cause he has a hilarious sense of humor and couldn’t really find his stride til he was older because of the whole timing thing.
He ended up going in the airforce, served four years, found an amazing girl, and got married. He’s still got “issues” and struggles, but I can’t believe how “together” he is now.
hilljean recently posted..Vlog: Thank You To Tampons, Houseflies, Forever 21, and Pinterest
Twitter: themommymess
says:
You have no idea how much this warms my heart! I love hearing that your brother is living his happy ending!
Adrienne recently posted..How to Find a Blog Sponsor-Part 1
Great post. My son is 10 and has Aspergers. I try to get him to converse with me on a daily basis. It’s not always easy but I try to at least get SOMETHING out of him before he retreats to his room to build Legos.
Amber recently posted..Stung By A Bee
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Yes, we definitively have to steal the moment when they are willing to give it!
Adrienne recently posted..How to Find a Blog Sponsor-Part 1