I lost count of how many parent conferences I attended in the five years my son was enrolled in public school. By the end of each year I was on a first name basis with his teachers and often had their personal phone numbers stored in my cell.
As the beginning of each new year rolled around, I would encourage him and assure him this year would be the best year yet! This year was going to be different. It would only take a few short weeks to remind me that the year would be like all the others.
More conferences.
More phone calls.
More people that don’t get my kid.
Every morning we’d pull up to the drop-off, and he’d look out the window at the building that awaited him. I never knew what was going through his mind.
He would open the door, twist on his back pack, and begin to walk away without shutting the door or grabbing his lunch, just like he did everyday.
I’d call him back to the present, and he’d realize. It’s just another day that will be like yesterday.
He’d grab his lunch. I love you, mom. Shut his door. Then I’d watch him walk off with his shoulders slumped and head down. Defeated already in a world that doesn’t understand him.
I would watch him walk past the safety guards, a bright orange reminder that my son was different.
I hated those damn safety guards. I was a safety guard when I was in 5th grade. I wore my belt with pride, and enjoyed that special treatment that came with the position. I always thought my son would be the same kind of student that I was, but he wasn’t.
I’d watch other kids get out of their cars and migrate towards friends. Like magnets.
He didn’t do that though.
No one was attracted to him.
He was different, and I was struggling to understand him just like everybody else.
*****
One of the hardest things about parenting a child with Asperger’s is that your child looks like all the other kids. He just doesn’t’ act like them. Most of the time my son was misunderstood as being a bad kid, disruptive, or disrespectful. No one ever knew what to do with him. So they’d call me.
Having a child with a special need that doesn’t look like they have a special need can be tricky. It never helped that his grades were always straight A’s and all of his test scores were off the charts. How can this child have a special need?
People are so quick to judge you as a parent. She’s in denial. Her kid is just a menace.
Have you considered ADHD medication?
He often interrupts during lessons.
He wouldn’t even play on the playground!
He doesn’t do well in group activities.
He’s very emotional today and getting very upset about the smallest of things. Could you speak to him?
Another day, another conference.
I’ve been struggling with the “if I only knew then what I know now” syndrome lately.
Awareness is key!
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I can’t even imagine how hard it is for your boy. And you. People just need to take time to understand. Sigh.
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured – July Link Up! And Some News
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Yes, they do. It’s all about equipping ourselves with the knowledge we need to understand each other. Thanks, sweet girl!
I get it. I have two that don’t look like they are any different. I know it is different. Not even close to being the same and yet we both worry that what our kids battle will make their lives less…fulfilling. Already their needs are making their lives harder and that is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry that you guys have this battle to fight. You’ve already given him a great gift…a mom that works her @ss off to make his world better. That never gives up on understanding.
AnnMarie recently posted..Memories Captured: The End of an Era
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I feel awful sometimes, because I forget just like everybody else sometimes. Ya know? And his older now, and things look different. We don’t have the same trials, but we have new ones. Every day.
I read this post with 2 different hats, My Mommy hat {which is always on even in my own classroom} and my Teacher hat {which is very difficult to remove}.
My Mommy reaction just wants to cry. It breaks my heart to read this and to envision what you two went through. If I were in your shoes I, too would be recalling the past and wondering what I could have done differently. I would also DREAD the phone calls and become defensive.
My teacher reaction wants to cry as well. I have had children in my classroom who show these behaviors. It makes me so sad to seem children on the sidelines while others aren’t. When students and parents have had poor experiences in former classrooms it’s hard to break those walls down and I understand why. It’s also challenging, but not impossible to integrate each student in a classroom and showcase their individual strengths, when there are many students in one room without any additional support.
Erin recently posted..8 Years Ago . . . – Memories Captured Link Up
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Our school systems fails in this area. I understand it’s hard for the teachers to care for the needs of each individual student. It’s nearly impossible to do with the demands of standardized testing and children that are falling behind. My son was not only a distraction to the students, but a distraction for the teacher too. It was tough, b/c he didn’t need any help academically, but the expectations on him socially and behaviorally were unrealistic. Sometimes even more so, because he excelled academically. It was so frustrating. I did dread the calls and the afternoon pick up line. Thanks for your comment!
My heart hurts for the both of you. My son is different too, due to his abusive past and every year is scary. Every year he pushes his teacher’s buttons and is almost kicked out. I am terrified for this year because we were told that he is out if chances. He seems to be much better but it can change daily. HUGS! Just remember that you are an amazing mom.
Jayme recently posted..Sometimes You Need A Little Break
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Awww! Thanks, Jayme! He’s a little older than these memories now. The trials don’t look the same, but the memories are so fresh in the trials we have today. Does that make sense? Sending hugs back your way, and I will say a prayer for the upcoming school year for you guys!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been so hesitant to comment much on your situation because I don’t even have the words. And it’s worse when “outsiders” don’t understand or even try to.
My stepson came into my life when he was 11, when his dad and I met. I knew something was different about him from early on. I never asked questions. Never mentioned it. But I could see it. Over time, the more I was around him, it was so clear. But I was having more issues with his father not doing anything. And it ticked me off. this boy clearly needed help. I found out after some time that he was taking meds for ADHD. But stil. I didn’t know much about it… I researched and studied, thinking he was Autistic, but ruled that out. I seriously think he has Asperger’s. Too many things point to it. But when I asked his doctor, he told me “it’s a little late to do anything about it now”….. he said it should have been addressed years ago. Seriously?
Well, my stepson is now 17. He has issues. He voluntarily stopped taking his meds 2 years ago. He said he didn’t like the way they made him feel. Was this the right thing to do? I’ve often wondered….but I’m not allowed to have an opinion…”he has a mother”…… and it’s not me.
I could go on and on, but I won’t. there is so much more to this story than I can tell right now.
But I applaud you for all you are doing for your son! I’m sure it’s tiresome and wears you down. I can only imagine. But you are doing your part as a parent, as hard as it is. and he is lucky to have you!
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Tears. So well written. So true about a child who is different, but still special. School, in so many, many ways, sucks.
Missy Bedell (@literalmom) recently posted..The Literal Mom Newsletter – Volume 1, Edition 1 – Summer 2012
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Yes it does suck! Don’t get me wrong, it has many positives to offer too, but for the most part-it sucks!
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A poignant post. Thank you for sharing and your effort for awareness.
Visiting via SITS.
BarefootMedStudent recently posted..The Girl with the Smile
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Thanks so much!!
Reading this post breaks my heart that you and your son have had to go through this and that people often don’t take the time to understand. I can’t even begin to understand what you and your son are going through but I feel for you.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Friday Round-Up
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It’s been quite a journey, but he’s almost 14 now, and those days of the car line are long gone. We’re heading into our 4th year of homeschooling and although we still have challenges everyday, he’s happy! finally!