It’s been over two years since I discovered this thing called blogging. I learned very quickly that it wasn’t just a bunch of moms gossiping online. It was a community. It was a platform. It was therapeutic.
This was the post that helped me rediscover my love of writing. In the spirit of summer vacation, I’m recycling it today for Yeah Write.
*******
I walked into the room and immediately felt uncomfortable. I was here again. Even after everyone knew how he’d treated me, I was here. We were here. Together.
I felt embarrassed and proud at the same time. Maybe they would see that it would work out this time. He was here wasn’t he? Insecurity reaped its head, and I immediately went into social mode to make up for the lack of confidence. Smile. Fake it, right?
I was good at that. I didn’t really care what anyone thought. The decision was mine. I can handle it. I don’t even really care how things work out between us. Live for today. Don’t worry about tomorrow.
If she shows up, I’ll just play it off. I won’t even care if he looks at her, or talks to her. I’m a laid back kind of girlfriend. No jealously here. As I talked myself into becoming what he wanted, I went straight to the bar and grabbed a drink. I would need to relax a little to get through the night. Captain and Coke. That works. The heat of the drink began to put me at ease. We came together but we don’t have be by each other all night! Mingle.
I talked with friends. No one brought it up. I was glad. I had a good time. I didn’t drink too much. I was responsible. I wanted to keep my head. After all, I knew I needed to make sure I was safe at the end of the night. I nursed the Captain and Coke for hours. It kept me relaxed. Not so much the drink itself, but just having it in my hand. Even though I didn’t care pretended not to care what he was doing I could see he was drunk already. He stood hunched on the bar for support slobbering over…not her, but the nameless blonde bartender! As he does this he looks at me giving me a glance every once in awhile to assure me he was mine.
Everyone seemed to pay no attention to him, as his behavior was nothing new. No one seemed to call attention to it either. My close friends kind of gave me a look as if they knew he was letting me down again, but what was the point of saying anything. I wouldn’t listen.
As I watched the bartender lean over the bar to kiss him on the cheek, and plant a folded napkin in his shirt pocket I looked the other way. Really? Did I just see that? We haven’t even been here for two hours! He’s never going to change. He’s always going to be this way.
I could leave. Leave him. I’m sober. I drove. He’s not even sober enough to care where he ends up tonight!
That’s what I’m going to do. Leave. Quiet exit, no goodbyes. Just leave.
As I was considering my options he began walking over to me. He looked at me with those gorgeous eyes, and smiled. As if to assure me in some twisted way. After all, we don’t actually talk about any of this. All of our communication is physical. Always physical. It’s left to body language, eye contact, touch…left for me to decipher the meaning without words. So frustrating! I just want to go. I’m just not sure how much more of this night I can handle. He leans in to kiss me on my neck, and I read this slow and gentle kiss to be one of the many ways he tells me he loves me.
But, I’m always wrong.
Then I hear someone I don’t know…a child. He’s yelling.
“MOM, I wet the bed!”
What?
“Mommy, help me get up.”
I open my eyes and realize.
Old memories are no longer my reality.
Thank you Lord for this life.
Father God, protect my dreams, and heal me from past hurts that don’t matter anymore.
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I love how you write. I was on the edge of my seat. I love that you've been blessed with this husband, this family, those boys who wake you up in the midst of your nightmares. Love you, girl.
"Thank you Lord for this life. Father God, protect my dreams, and heal me from past hurts that don't matter anymore."
Thank you for sharing Adrienne. I think any of us who have decided to follow after our Savior say this exact thing, repeatedly.
This was a fantastic post. I'm so glad you woke into the good life that you obviously cherish. Thanks for sharing!
That was beautifully written! I'ts amazing how we can end up with such a different and BETTER life.
Wow – fantastic post. Shell sent me over and I'm glad she did
amazing writing…i think we have all been here once.
Oh Phew – you got me! I am glad it was a nightmare! You are a great writer. I am here from Laddy Blogger!
Wow. That was great. I liked what everyone said. I am glad your life is so wonderful now.
wow, what a moving post. wow, like seriously you don't know how close this post is to me, and how true the ending is as well. thank you for writing and sharing!
this is so beautiful!!
I often wake from dreams of my former self and thank God that I am where I am today.
It takes those bad experiences for some of us though, to know and appreciate how far we've come, and to enjoy the gifts we have received!
Oh my gosh! I totally had no idea that was a dream. You write so well girl! Visiting from Shells blog. Glad to find you.
So well written…Great post! I was on my seat racing to the end and actually heaved a sigh of relief for you!
Over from Shell's…
GREAT post!! Love it!
Looking forward to reading your blog and getting to know you.
Great post and luckily it was only a dream! You are a great story teller. Can't wait to read more of you!
That was such a good story!!!!!I was so sucked in! You totally got me though!
I thought this was a great post! We've all been there. Thankfully we aren't anymore.
Found you at the Tea Party.
Michelle
http://pietrosmomma.blogspot.com/
Loved this!!! Thanks so much! So funny, I could totally identify with the way the character felt in the beginning of the story. It hit home.
Hey there! I forgot to mention that I am now following you!!
Oh, that was sneaky! I was almost ready to cry. Thank the Dear Lord that was a dream.
Here from SITS!
That hit close to home. I'm glad it was a dream for you, and I'm glad the nightmare is over for me!
It's sad to say, but so true…the past makes us appreciate the present sometimes. : )
Great story, glad you're not in that place anymore.
Great post! Been there , done that and so glad to have the life i have now too!
Great post! I can so relate. It's always so funny to me how things work out how they're supposed to-even if at the time it feels terrible.
You had me going, girl! Great post. I actually was reading this, making mental notes on the things I wanted to touch on in my reply, and then realized it was all a dream. I'm so happy you are blessed with this life and that you are truly happy
I'm also stopping by from the Lady Bloggers Tea Party and will continue to follow!
Wow… what amazing writing. What a chilling story. Very reminiscent of… nope. Not going to think about it.
Dropping by from LBS!
Just found your blog. Great post and writing. You painted this picture so clearly and it reminded me of a time, long ago, in my former life. I'm your newest follower.
Your writing flows naturally and its details are great. you should really write a full length novel!! Just visiting from Lady Bloggers!!
I am your newest follower. Please follow me back at http://www.jessielynnsmith.com
Thanks!
<3 Jess
incredible story, I felt like I was in the bar with you. You write wonderfully!
I'm just going to say it – to the comment above me. Seriously? Way to actually read a post. "follow me back" Seriously?
You called it! Thank God for this life … and that we left those types of guys behind. I dated one just like that and thank my lucky stars every day that it didn't work out.
Well done! Glad you chose to recycle.
Visiting from Mama Kats.
Then ending was beautiful. Praise God for a good life.
Great post! You've been added to my blog roll. A bit later today I will be adding your button.
very moving post…thank the lord it was only a dream…maybe to remind you of your blessings…just stopping by from sits to say hello…i am also a fellow homeschool mum…have a wonderful day in the spotlight!
blessings,
alison
stuff and nonsense
Glad your past hurts are just that…PAST!
what a great way to write.I love your post.. happy SITS day ~
Way to be BRAVE! Happy SITS.
I love this post! I am also so thankful for the life I have and that God's answer for some of my youthful prayers was "NO."
bad dream.
great post!
Whew! I wasn't sure where it was going … but I'm so glad it ended like it did. Great post!
Visiting from SITS
So, so glad that it was just a dream. My heart was aching for you.
Christie recently posted..A Liebster! What the heck is a Liebster?!?
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Me too! When I think about what my life could have been had I not snapped out of it…Thankfully I did!
Very good post. You have a talent for classical writing. I came over here through yeahwrite.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you so much! What a kind word. I really appreciate that!
I am so glad its not your life anymore either. What a great and honest post.
Carrie recently posted..Happily Never After.
Twitter: themommymess
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Me too, girl. Me too. I think we all go through the stage of falling for the wrong one. Luckily, that wasn’t the plan.
Great use of tension! I was so nervous for you. I cannot tell you how happy I was that it was a dream from old memories and you have a new and better life.
Kenja Purkey recently posted..Me, Selfish? I Don’t Think So.
Twitter: themommymess
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I am grateful for the life God has given me! Old memories are bittersweet. They aren’t always good ones, but in a way they are part of who we are.
Great post! So honest and well-written. Loved the end – so real and sweet. I can just see my 5-year-old saying that.
Melisa @ just begin from here. recently posted..islandwood if I could.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
It’s funny. He’s 7 now, but this was a real dream (based on old memories) and I really woke up to his sweet voice. He was 5 then.
Um good recycle! I love this. Such great writing and emotion!
Erin recently posted..How spent $180.00 in under 3 hours
Twitter: themommymess
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Thanks, Girl! Glad you like it!
Ah, great writing! It defintely grabbed me.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend likes fishing. This is a fact.
Twitter: themommymess
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Thank you!!
Twitter: IASoupMama
says:
Every now and then I think back to what life could have been. After about five minutes, I’m shaking my head and thinking, “Wow… So glad I have what I have now.”
Excellent post!
IASoupMama recently posted..The Massacre
Twitter: themommymess
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Yup! Sometimes, I look back and I am amazed at where God has brought me.
so glad for this new tomorrow. this place life has lead you. great write.
tara pohlkotte recently posted..And For Tonight
Twitter: themommymess
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Thank God this girl is someone a barely remember.
Twitter: thedosetweets
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This is amazing. I absolutely LOVED it. So well done.
thedoseofreality recently posted..Top 12 Things I Learned At Disney World
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Thank you so much, Ashley! I’m really glad you liked it.
Very well-written!
Twitter: themommymess
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Thank you! That really means so much!
Twitter: MyPixieBlog
says:
WOW! I haven’t stopped by here in entirely WAY too long. Good to see you again, girl. Also it’s funny… this is I believe the first post I ever read from you and at the time I was following from Lady Bloggers Society (remember them??). Anyway, I’m going to check back and see what you’ve been up to.
Hope you are enjoying your summer!
Charlotte recently posted..pinch me, i must be dreaming
Twitter: themommymess
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It’s great to see you! It’s been a while! How funny this is a post you remember.
Wow!! Fascinating. Glad you are safe and happy! oxoxo
Christie Tate recently posted..Being Named After Christ Leads To Rejection On J-Date
I can relate. The way you wrote this was fantastic. I, too, am always grateful when I am awoken from those memories!
Thank God, it was a dream! I thought I was going to have to give you a self-esteem pep talk. Ugh! I’m so relieved and glad it was in the past and you are in a good place now!
Emma @Your Doctor’s Wife recently posted..Granny Camp is Over
i was on the edge of my seat here—and relieved it was only a dream…
erin margolin recently posted..I’m Delusional: I Think I Can Make a Difference
I like the twist at the end!
Michelle Longo recently posted..Blood.
Good for you for leaving him! Isn’t it funny how God knows exactly what we want. At the time, we think we need it desperately but later we see He had an even better plan? Good stuff!
Michelle recently posted..Doesn’t Matter How You Get There, Just That You Arrived
Very brave, honest and beautiful. Grateful for you sharing and grateful it is a memory you are healing from and not a situation in which you are trying to escape.
Blessings.
Sperk* recently posted..Wednesday’s Woman: The Child Life Specialist
Oh wow, have I been there. Nicely done and wonderfully told.
50Peach recently posted..Superman
I’m not a drinker, but I know how the comfort of holding one can make anxiety lessen.
dreams are so interesting, aren’t they? well told.
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Two-Line Tuesday: Lion
great story with an interesting twist – being able to pinpoint where & when we decide to change our lives, to let go of that which doesn’t serve us… even if it means ending up helping someone who wets the bed!
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