I know you’re still here.
You’re quick.
Quiet.
But, I’m not blind. I see you.
You’ve learned some tricks, but I’m not fooled.
I see you when my son walks from room to room adjusting the blinds.Twirling the rod from left to right. Right to left. Back again. He must find the perfect glimmer of light to peek through those cracks. It’s impossible, but you urge him on anyway. How dare you!
I see you when he uses his feet to pick up a pile of dirty laundry from his bathroom floor.
I see you in the way he methodically washes his hands. You’re less persistent, but he still answers your call.
I see you in the exhausting order in which he does things.
I see you in the fear that floods his eyes when he drops something on the floor he knows you will not let him pick up.
Sometimes I hear you in the frustrated tears of his little brother, who cannot understand you.
Why won’t he share that with me? I share everything with him…
I’m pissed, because there is no right answer.
You’re good. I’ll give you that.
I won’t lie. There are days you trick me too.
He’s learned to hide you from me.
He knows what I want to see, and he tries to give it to me.
Some days I pretend not to notice, and I remember to offer my son the grace he deserves for the prison you have him in.
But, other days I get angry. My failed attempts to discipline you are evident on the innocent face of my son. Now you have me too, damn it! You make me feel guilty and hopeless. You have no right!
He pays the price.
He takes the blame.
It’s not fair.
I’m thankful that you’ve been tamed. Trained.
I’m grateful for his progress, but I want you gone!
I want absolute freedom for my son.
I can still hear you behind his questions.
Did anyone touch this?
Who moved this?
Did you wash your hands?
Sometimes I hear your whisper masked by his polite phrase.
No, thank you.
You still lie to him.
He tries to ignore you, but he doesn’t always win.
I’m not fooled.
I know you’re still here, you son of a bitch.
*********
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He’s tricky and oh, so cunning.
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Flan Ain’t Fun
I mean it, not he.
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Flan Ain’t Fun
Twitter: themommymess
says:
I knew that.
It’s so difficult to watch your children struggle and only be able to help rather than fix or solve the problem.
Erin recently posted..Our Story part 3 . . . The Dance
Twitter: themommymess
says:
It does make me feel helpless most days. The worst part is when my son is irrationally demanding that I help him.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
I hate that it is still there. I could have written this post but substituted what my boys battle. This was unbelievably good writing, my friend. So good.
AnnMarie recently posted..An Open Letter to a Teacher
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks for such a kind compliment, Sweet girl!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
I wish so badly there were words to say to make you feel better. Unfortunately I don’t think there are, so I will offer my positive thoughts for peace for you and your son. My husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar, which is completely different, but I understand many of the lines you write here. We think our youngest daughter may also have it. “It,” no matter what “it” is, truly is not fair.
Karen recently posted..Saturday 9: June 9
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Very true. Just remember that “IT” doesn’t define your husband or your daughter! Thank you for your kind words.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
You and your son will beat this. Completely.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Before, After AND After
Twitter: themommymess
says:
So matter-of-fact! I feel like you believe that. THANK YOU FOR THAT!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
It’s always there, no matter how many therapies or successes and it pisses me off, too.
Erin recently posted..Three Tier Staggered Squares Wedding Cake
Twitter: themommymess
says:
It comes and goes in different ways too. Once you think you have it figured out it throws a curve ball!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
I love how you distinguish between ‘it’ and ‘him’. That distinction seems important. I wish it was easier, but it sounds like your son has a powerful ally in you.
Keeping Time recently posted..Coffee Filter Art
Twitter: themommymess
says:
That distinction is SO important! He is not defined by this. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Aw, your poor son. “It” must be so frustrating to watch.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Ducky and the Duck Trail
Twitter: themommymess
says:
It’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever had to see. Nothing sucks worse than not being to help your child. In my head I know I help him, but in my heart I want to make it all go away.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Oh dear! I hope you both will kick its ass and beat it flat! xx
jamie recently posted..Stop Running, Just Wait
Twitter: themommymess
says:
We’re up for the fight! And when he’s not, I will fight for him!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
It IS a SOB! I have friends with two afflicted kids and I watch what they go through with such sadness. The good news is that all their hard work is paying off and their kids are doing incredibly well.
I know you and your son will get there, too!
Emma @Your Doctor’s Wife recently posted..Blog Star: I’m Your Doctor’s Wife
Twitter: themommymess
says:
That’s right! His hard work is paying off too. He’s come so far in the last year! There are just those days I’m still so pissed he has to deal with it. I’m so proud of him, though! He’s amazing!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Wow. How incredibly frustrating to have to watch your son struggle, and what an incredibly powerful post.
Kenja Purkey recently posted..An Epic Milestone: Solid Food
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you, Kenja.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
I’m sorry IT causes so many problems. I know all about IT. I love the way you wrote this, the way you differentiated between HIM and IT. So many people don’t see the difference and it’s such an important one. Fabulously written, Adrienne.
Delilah recently posted..Show Us Your House: Master Bedroom
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you so much!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Feeling helpless about our children is a terrible, terrible thing.
If there is a way to beat or get past “it”. I know you will find it.
Dawn Beronilla recently posted..500 Word Story: Based On Truth, Told With Flair.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Dawn, he’s come so far in the past year thanks to therapy and medication. It’s a daily battle though, and sometimes I think he just gets tired. I know I do…
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Cleverly written. It must certainly feel like someone else is in control at times. I wish you and your son well.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Oh it does for sure! It was therapeutic to write it this way. My son is not defined by this and he should not have to take the blame. But, he does. All the time and it breaks my heart.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Oh what a horrible beast “it” is. I hate when our kids have to suffer at the hands of a beast that at times seems so insurmountable! What a courageous mom you are!!!
I hope one day he can conquer it completely.
Carrie recently posted..Irony Sucks.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
I know he will! Thanks, Carrie!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
This is so well-written. So poignant and heartfelt. You are a good mother, his resting place.
heidi recently posted..14 years ago
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Awwww. Thank you, Heidi. I just hope he feels the same way. Sometimes I feel like I get so irritated and then I feel awful. It’s a vicious cycle for everyone.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Feeling helpless when our children are suffering is incredibly hard but thank goodness he has a wonderful understanding and loving mother.
Vivian recently posted..Killer on the road
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you for such a sweet comment! It is extremely hard to feel like I can’t always help him.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Tamed vs. Trained.
What an important distinction, and so hard.
Either way.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Two totally different things, huh? Thanks for reading!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
My son knows the same beast
Twitter: themommymess
says:
I’m sorry, Kim. It’s bittersweet to know others go through this. It’s nice to have support, but I hate that anyone else has to endure the struggle.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
My stepson has Asperger’s. It’s tough to see the things that he struggles with, but on the other hand, I can’t imagine him any other way and certainly could not love him any more. I hope that you find the right way to treat “it” (which sounds like OCD). Best of luck to you.
Bill Dameron recently posted..Object of my Desire
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks again, Bill! We will beat this!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Aw, man, I want it gone too. This kills me. Watching my kids suffer is brutal and you described it so well. how you captured both the gratitude for the progress and also the frustration that it’s still there. THank you. Beautiful writing, beautiful mommy.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you, Christie. I AM so grateful for that progress too. But, it’s hard. I see he still struggles, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. Well, other than the obvious that I already do, anyway.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Twitter: fromtracie
says:
“I want absolute freedom for my son.” Yes.
Sending love to both of you. OCD sucks so bad.
Tracie recently posted..So The Folks At HLN Think Statutory Rape Is Funny?
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Yes it does! Sometimes there’s just no better way to describe something. It does SUCK!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
poignant and powerful post. thank you for sharing with us what you see—and others, like me, will benefit from gaining insight into his/your world…
hugs.
erin margolin recently posted..On Waiting
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you, Erin! It’s been a learning process for us. He’s doing so much better than a year ago, and I’m thankful and proud. But, part of me is still mad he has to struggle at all.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Well written and so heartwrenching. I have watched my older brother deal with this for many years. Some drugs work for him & then they don’t. I can’t imagine watching your own child deal with it. But your positive attitude and your support of him will help you both beat the beast.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Therapy and meds have helped tremendously. But, lately, I see a storm brewing.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Twitter: ateachablemom
says:
Powerful and painful and gut-wrenching and beautifully expressed. There is nothing worse than watching your child suffer and struggle. Thank you for expressing your frustration and anger so honestly. Hoping for peace for you and your son.
Mary Nelligan recently posted..Two Girls On The Run From Expectations
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you, Mary. Peace. That’s the perfect prayer.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Twitter: thedosetweets
says:
Your writing is just so good. And this post is just simply heart-wrenching. I wish there were a way to make it easier/better on both of you.
thedoseofreality recently posted..Wh(Y) Chromosomes?—Causing Trouble Since 2011
Twitter: themommymess
says:
You’re sort of making my day with this compliment! Thank you. And thank you for reading! It easier than it was. He’s doing so much better than he was last year. i’m very proud of him. I just hate that he still struggles with this every day.
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Wow. Such a powerfully written piece!
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thanks so much!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Your son is very lucky to have you as his mother to help him grow and overcome
Joe recently posted..Home Invasion
Twitter: themommymess
says:
I’m so glad this hit when he was still young and at home. Hopefully he will learn the skills he needs to fight this thing on his own. I’m afraid it’s something he’s always going to have to deal with. Thank you for such a kind word!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
I second Joe – he is lucky to have a parent who is aware and supportive at such a young age, rather than growing up never learning strategies to cope with it. Or worse, feeling shame about it.
Cindy ~ The Reedster Speaks recently posted..My Juicer, It Mocks Me.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Absolutely! This has actually helped him accept himself. He’s learned so much in the past year and SO proud of him!
Adrienne recently posted..PETA would be proud!
Oh, that last line gave me chills.
It’s not debilitating, but I definitely have a touch of OCD and have since childhood. Growing up, I used to have to shut the laundry room and playroom doors at the end of our upstairs hallways and then pull on them 3-5 times before I could go to bed each night. There was other stuff too, but that was the one that sticks out most.
My husband also has a touch of it, although it manifests in him differently – for instances, he has to pay all bills as soon as they come in the mail and obsesses over our bank statement.
So, I definitely keep an eye on our daughter. She’s only 2.5, and at that age they thrive on routine, no matter how odd. But every time she develops a new tick or habit, I ask myself, “Is she…?”
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..Awesome Apps for The Device-Loving Dad
Twitter: themommymess
says:
It’s scary to wonder. I worry about my youngest sometimes too. I never know if I’m seeing glimpses of the first signs, or perhaps he learns the behavior and copies his brother. It’s so hard to try and figure out. Thanks for reading and leaving such a heartfelt comment!
I’m sorry you have this battle, but you conveyed it so well. Powerful writing. Ellen
Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted..Things That Make You Go Hmmm. . .
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you for such a compliment, Ellen. I’m sorry that he has to go through it. But, I’m glad it was triggered while he was still young. He’s learned so much about himself through all of this. I’m so proud of him.
Great writing. Your strength is so evident.
Michelle Longo recently posted..Cycle.
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Oh, wow. I don’t always feel strong, but ironically OCD has made me stronger.
Powerful writing. Even more powerful parenting. He’s lucky to have you.
50Peach recently posted..On Booty Texts
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you so much! I’m lucky to have him!
Really powerful post. I thought writing “to” OCD instead of about it was effective and unexpected. Well done.
Shannon Vander Meulen recently posted..Insha’Allah
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you, Shannon! I really appreciate your kind words!
I felt like I was sitting there watching him move through the house. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to watch him struggle with something like that. I admire your strength and courage in sharing this.
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Life of Dude
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Your comment means so much. Thank you. It’s hard, but we have all grown from this journey.
Really powerful writing.
Musings of a Writer Mom recently posted..Had a little moment last night
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you!
Oh how I relate. There are times I think oh, everything is just fine… but there’s always a little hint of what is really going on.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Swimsuit Confidence
Twitter: themommymess
says:
And those moments come out of nowhere for no reason at all…
What a lucky boy to have a mother who understands that “it” does not define all of him, that HE is not IT, and IT is not HIM. That’s really important. And in that space between “it” and “him” I hope there is room for lots of light and love to grow and flourish, crack the two apart and let HIM bloom to his fullest.
deborah l quinn recently posted..Monday’s Listicle: Things That Make You Go “hmm…”
Twitter: themommymess
says:
Thank you so much for this heartfelt comment. That’s just exactly it. IT does not define him. He has grown so much in the past year. I am so proud of him!
i cannot even imagine but your words give me glimpse of what it must be like.
Robbie recently posted..Loneliness
Twitter: themommymess
says:
It’s tough sometimes. But then there’s days like today when he faces his fears and goes kayaking! He’s come a long way since last year!
Twitter: goodmoodfoodie
says:
Your post speaks to me on many levels today. I’m so glad to have found your blog. As an OCD’er parenting another OCD’er, it’s maddening to completely understand your child’s anguish, yet still get annoyed with them for dawdling / taking too long / fixating on something. Your words illustrate childhood OCD to a T.